Our Amazing Grace

Perspective

2012-01-24T19:04:00.000-06:00

My number is 9.

I need to be 5 and below to be done with the miscarriage, but it's not there yet. So...one more blood test! Aghhhh!!! Okay, now that I'm done with that, we keep moving forward. I'm so ready to start IVF again. I'm glad that when I wake up in the morning, I am still wanting to do IVF. I'm so thankful for the desire to have children. This was difficult, but just another step along the journey. Overall, I'm doing really well. I'm now able to start exercising again and feeling so much better physically. On the plane ride home I listened to a song that I used to share with people that had experienced miscarriages. It was hard to hold back the tears, but so great to know that even through pain and trials, God's plan is perfect and for my good. The group Watermark, which was a husband and wife singing group, wrote a song called "Glory Baby." The lyrics are below. It is such a beautiful song and the lyrics are just perfect. I know there are so many people that have suffered or are suffering through the loss of a child. My sister-in-law just lost her best friend to stage 4 melanoma. She died today at the very young age of 21. I can't imagine the pain that her parents are feeling. I'm so thankful to know that this sweet girl knew Christ. It gives you a more clear perspective when you see how others are also going through trials and God is working in their lives. I'm so thankful that I'm never alone...I always have Christ to help me through anything.

Glory Baby- By Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

One more test?

2012-01-18T15:50:00.000-06:00

Well, the nurse called me on Monday and told me my levels were at 16. Getting there, but it has to be 5 and under before the miscarriage is officially over. Sometimes I think things are slowing down and going to be done, and then my body tells me otherwise. So...it continues! I'm not so much sad anymore as I am just frustrated. Come on body! Get it together! :) I go in for another blood test on Monday. Surely by then it will be done. I'm ready to get home and get back to normal for a couple weeks.

We will be traveling again then life will be changing pretty soon for us. We've decided to move our business back to DC, so we will be selling our house and moving. I'm very sad to be leaving my family and my comfortable way of life in Texas, but I know this is the right decision for our business. I trust my husband's leadership and know he struggles with this move just as much as I do. Hopefully even through all the craziness, we can start IVF again. I don't want to postpone that again for anything. Where there's a will, there's a way...right? We aren't announcing our move yet. We may still keep a small studio in Dallas...we just aren't sure yet. But, we have officially hired a realtor and we are getting ready to make the big change. I'm praying to overcome all my anxiety and sadness. I really don't want to move, again. I think this will be move number 13 or 14...I've stopped counting! We will be renting and hopefully within a year, purchase a home. I'm okay if this isn't our final move, but I want to live like we aren't going anywhere for a long time. I feel like everywhere I go, I make decisions based on possibly moving. It's like with pregnancy. We've held off so many decisions or made decisions based on when/if we have a baby. We finally realized, we just have to make a decision based on today. Plan for the future as best as we can, but take each decision day-by-day. I didn't paint one bedroom in my house because we might have a baby and I wanted to decide the paint based off of the sex of the baby. It's 2 years later and I have to paint that bedroom because we are selling the house. I spent two years with an unpainted bedroom because of the possibility of having a baby.

I should have just painted the bedroom. :)

So, if you read my blog, you are some of the first to know what's going on in our life! You deserve an ice cream cone if you've been reading my blog...it's not a lot of exciting news lately. Hopefully there will be happier days ahead with pictures of my beautiful children and farmhouse in the Maryland countryside. (okay, a girl can dream!) If you are my facebook friend, please don't post about it until we make it official! :) I don't know why God picked such an imperfect person to make all these moves and deal with infertility. Surely He could have picked someone with much better suited to bring Him honor. I hope He can use these trials for His glory...I often use them to excuse myself to have a pity party! Here's hoping I can avoid those in the next few months! Praise Him always...that's my goal. Help me reach it, Lord!

Moving On

2012-01-16T01:10:00.000-06:00

It's been 22 days since I began miscarrying. I wish I could say everything is back to normal, but it is not. I am so ready to move on, but my body isn't. I find out tomorrow where my levels are and if I have to go for another blood test. I am hoping that I don't and that soon this all will be over. I really expected a miscarriage to be like a one or two day event. I never knew that it would last so long. I don't really know how to process that. I'm just glad that lately I've been distracted by some big life changes and traveling. I'm so happy to be here in DC with my friends. We had such a wonderful time tonight with some really great friends. It felt great to laugh and enjoy their company...plus they have super cute kid that just makes your heart smile! I miss my family, but it is nice to be out here for a while.

We are also making some big changes in our life. I'm working really hard not to feel anxious about all that must be done. Plus, I am not great with change. I've gone through A LOT of it in my life, but I've never been one to handle it well. After all is done, I look back and feel happy that I made it through and we made the decisions we did, but for now I'm fighting anxiety. I keep referring to a verse in "John 14:27 -Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."

I need to remember that the things I'm going through aren't nearly as big as I think and that God cares. He has sent a helper for me and offers me peace in the midst of what I think is craziness. :) I need to get back to reading...I've been a major quiet time slacker. I need to take the days one at a time...I've been a crazy worrier! I need to spend more time thanking God for what he is doing in my life and trusting that He is always with me. I really want to trust my husband and show him that I do by not being a crazy, anxious wife! ha! In the midst of all of this, my one prayer is that God will give us a child...or children. No matter how wild things may get, I still can't wait for the next time I see a positive pregnancy test...I so want to hold our baby in my arms. Please, Lord, give us a child.

Thank you for our glory baby that is no longer with us.

I want to always be thankful for that. Holding out for that peace...ready to move on.

Miscarriage update

2012-01-09T11:17:00.000-06:00

Well, it has been 15 days since I began my miscarriage. My body is still going through the process. I had blood taken last Thursday and the nurse said my levels are going down really slowly. Sometimes that happens with women. Their bodies just take a really long time to miscarry. My levels should have gone down significantly and it should be over. In one week, they went from 126 to 90. Normally they go down by half every two days. So, I have to go for more blood work this Friday. I thought things were over, but yesterday I had horrible cramping and other un-fun symptoms. This has been especially hard for Dallas to watch and he feels really bad about the lingering miscarriage symptoms. I think we are both trying to understand what God is teaching us in this. Dallas was talking to me and said he was trying not to be angry with God. He understood the miscarriage, but didn't understand why I am still enduring physical pain and symptoms. I know this isn't just a difficult thing for me and I'm praying he can process all the pain and feel some peace soon. Amazingly, I feel like I'm doing okay emotionally. I think he might be having a harder time right now than I am. I am just ready for this to all be over with and I'm really ready to move on. I know that when God gives us a child, ashes will be replaced with beauty.

I hope that time comes soon!

Processing the Pain

2012-01-01T03:24:00.001-06:00

I'm still processing the pain.

I still have a lot of trouble sleeping at night. My mind wanders a lot and I just can't get comfortable. I am going through some physical pain on and off, but it is very bearable. You would think my body would be through with this process, but I continue to experience all the physical parts of miscarriage. It's like a physical reminder that has continued for about a week now, that continues to tell me I'm losing my baby. I know when all that is gone, I won't instantly forget the pain. One of my dear friends told me that she still thinks about her miscarriage, even after 3 beautiful children. I'm glad to know that when the waves of crying or grief hit me, there are other people that understand that longing. If you are my friend on facebook, please don't take my silly facebook statuses to mean that I am not sad. Facebook isn't exactly the place I want to share this. Here I am somewhat anonymous, unless you are a friend or family member. Tonight I am so sad over this, I just can't sleep. I know God says he will give you peace that no one can understand. I had some really happy times with my family tonight, and though I am sad right now, I know God will send me peace...eventually. I'm thankful for a husband who has been loving me so well. Praying tonight for some peace...hoping to sleep soon. I still know I am loved by my Savior and my husband. (many others too!)

Miscarriage

2011-12-30T13:35:00.001-06:00

I drove to the doctor yesterday to have my blood taken. Nothing about yesterday's drive there and back was pleasant. I dreaded going back and having that needle put in my arm. The nurse taking my blood is newer and asked me how my numbers were. I was a little stunned she wasn't aware they were going down and that this appointment was one of the most painful I have ever been through. I decided that she must only take blood and not know anything else. I left the doc office and drove back home. On the way home, I just sobbed. I cried that really embarrassing cry that is loud and uncontrolled. Thankfully I always keep tissue in my car, and I was able to mop up the tears as they came. Eventually I decided I wanted to talk to someone, so I called my friend Emily. She went through a miscarriage as well, and it helped knowing that she understood some of what I was going through. We talked, I cried a little more. I went home and then started talking to Dallas. I've been a little bothered that he wasn't as excited as me when we found out and it doesn't seem like he is really struggling with this like I am. I know he is sad and hurting, but he makes himself busy and keeps going. I have locked myself into a bubble here at home and not wanted to do much. I have gone out shopping a couple times and even taken a couple showers. I spent some time talking to Dallas about everything. I think it helped me and maybe him too. I had been looking up pictures of what babies look like around this time in a pregnancy. I don't really know how far along I am, so I'm just guessing that it is 5 weeks or a little less. Dallas thought I was kind of morbid looking a pictures online, but I told him I need to see a baby at this point. I needed to know this was real. I never heard a heartbeat or saw an image on an ultrasound, so I needed to see. Other than seeing a positive pregnancy test, I never felt pregnant. Those images helped me be able to connect with what is going on inside. My heart hurts for a baby I've never seen or will never meet. In fact, I never even thought this baby would be possible. So, yesterday I spent a lot of time mourning this loss.

I never got a call back from the doctor, so I called this morning. The numbers went down again. The nurse was so sweet and sad for me. She did say it is really encouraging to know that I CAN get pregnant. Even better, we now know how to make the IVF cycle a better one. I have to keep going in to get my blood drawn until my levels reach zero again. Miscarriage isn't this thing that happened instantly for me...I've been going through the process for over a week now and still will have another week or so until my body completes the process. So, I continue to wait.

Yesterday I spent time at the piano singing praise songs. I can't express how much that helped me. Today I am actually up and doing some things around the house. I am hurting and running a slight fever, but I got out of the bed. (I could use a shower!) I still don't really want to talk to anyone and I think I'm kind of in my own protected bubble. So many people have expressed care and concern, and that has certainly helped, but I'm just not ready to be back in the "real world" again. I'm so ready to start this process again. I'm so very ready to hold our child. I'm thankful that through all of this, I don't just want to give up. All hope is not lost.

When I was singing yesterday, the second verse from Bob Kauflin's song Out of Depths really helped me. It is a song based off of Psalm 130. The second verse is a reminder that although I don't understand, I still trust and know God is good. I am still very loved by Him. It says:

The secret mysteries belong to You
We only know what You reveal
And all my questions that are unresolved
Don’t change the wisdom of Your will
In every trial and loss
My hope is in the cross
Where Your compassions never fail

Hope for the hopeless situation

2011-12-28T09:31:00.000-06:00

Even though I know in my heart that I am having a miscarriage, there is still this part of me that hopes for the impossible. God is in the business of giving us hope when it looks like there is none to be found. He gave us a baby when we least expected it, why can't He just let this baby live even though every sign says this is the end? He is the giver of hope! God, I know you have a good purpose in this...please give me hope for this situation. I have to get my blood drawn on Thursday, and I know the nurse will call & say I'm not pregnant anymore. Please give me hope for the next steps after that phone call. When all I see on Facebook are pictures of happy babies & families, pregnant bellies, announcements of pregnancies & baby showers, please give me hope for my journey. Drive away bitter thoughts and anger. They creep in & can destroy my joy. Let me hate bitter thoughts and anger more than I hate infertility & miscarriage. Thank you for giving me hope in Jesus & remind me of this today. I am really struggling.

My cousin in-law sent me a verse today. She and my cousin have also gone through a miscarriage. It reminds me that I do have hope during times that feel hopeless. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I'm praying today for reminders of that hope.

My heart will choose to say...

2011-12-27T19:12:00.000-06:00

...Blessed be His name.

I had another blood test and my levels are not rising. They are falling. After 5 days, they should be up at least a little, but they are down. The nurse said for me to stop taking my progesterone shot and prepare for losing the baby. I have to go back in on Thursday for another blood test, but the likelihood of us not losing the baby is very small. I have cried...still will cry a lot...but I am so thankful! I contribute that to God working in me. My human nature says to be angry, bitter and give up. But I have hope, a desire to press on, and feel so thankful. For a small moment, I had a baby. After over 5 years of never seeing a positive pregnancy test, I got to see 4! I threw up 3 times! I have never been so happy to throw up or be nauseous! And, finally, I CAN get pregnant! For Christmas, I got to be excited instead of depressed. I actually suspected things might not be going well, and I prayed that God would not let me miscarry on Christmas. I am thankful that everyone was excited and the dark cloud of infertility wasn't looming over the celebration. I am sure many people think I'm crazy, but in the midst of this deep sadness, I have such faith and peace. This isn't some "church" answer. I seriously had to decide, either God is a cruel, unloving God who is unconcerned with the minor happenings in my life...or, He is a sympathetic, sacrificing and deeply loving God. More loving that I can comprehend. More understanding of deep pain that I will never feel. Either He loves me and will use this for my good, or He hates me. Know His actions upon the cross, I am certain that He is good and perfect. That is the peace I have. That is why I feel peace and joy in the midst of sorrow.

(Don't mistake that I don't feel sorrow...I feel immense, painful sorrow...but I feel loved in the midst of that.)

What an amazing Savior! I hope if you are reading my silly words, that you know this wonderful Savior, Jesus Christ! It will change everything about your life.

Romans 8:28-39

²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ²⁹ For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. ³⁰ And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

³¹ What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³ Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶ As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Blood Test = Still Pregnant

2011-12-22T16:53:00.000-06:00

My blood test results were great! The nurse was super encouraging and very excited about all my numbers. She told me my Beta was 169. Now, I have no idea what that means. All of this was so unexpected, but we have figured out that I am pregnant from ovulating very early after the IVF. Our guess is that I miscarried the two embryos that were transferred during the IVF. This caused everything in my body to be super off schedule and I got pregnant right away. I am barely 4 weeks pregnant at this point. That means I will do one more blood test on Tuesday and then wait until around the 18th of January to do an ultrasound. I wish they would do the ultrasound before that, because I'm so ready to actually see/hear the baby. Wow! I cannot believe that after over 5 years of trying, we found out that I conceived "naturally!" I know without going through the IVF and all that we went through, we would not be pregnant now, so saying this was a "natural" pregnancy is not really true. This is a miracle for sure, all orchestrated by God. I'm so thankful! Dallas finally smiled and was relieved when he heard how excited the nurse was about everything. He is finally celebrating with me. It was nice to see him feel joy. It has been so long that we have felt only grieving. The Lord has turned our mourning into dancing! We are celebrating and rejoicing in God's goodness! As it stands now, we will have the baby near our 11th anniversary. We will celebrate 11 years of God's faithfulness in our marriage and His faithfulness in giving us a child. Praise God from whom all blessings flow! I have several friends that are still on their journey to having a child and I am certain if God can do this for me, he can do this for them! All the time seems like nothing in the midst of all this joy. And everyday I remember my child in prayer, I will remember them as they continue to suffer and long for their own child. I hope one day I am able to rejoice with them, like they are rejoicing with me today.

Please Lord, give my infertile friends babies, and protect this little child you have given us!

Whoa....hold the phone...what???? You're kidding??? Really??? Are you sure????

2011-12-21T10:21:00.002-06:00

Well...I was prepared to write a blog talking about the results of our embryology report. It was a very encouraging meeting. We found out the reason we are not getting pregnant is because the sperm and the egg are not connecting. One of them is missing a receptor to make that happen. So, after this failed IVF, we now know why we aren't getting pregnant. The solution is actually a very easy lab process. No extra drugs or procedures, just lab work! We left that appointment feeling so excited and encouraged. I had started to think we were never going to be able to get pregnant, but this appointment gave me a fresh hope! So, all I had to do was go home, take a pregnancy test and when it was negative, start a drug to start my next period. So I took the test and it was POSITIVE???? It said I was PREGNANT???? This is crazy? How did this happen? So, I frantically told Dallas what was going on. He was convinced it was a bad test, so he went to go buy several more of different brands. I waited a bit, drank a lot and then took another. PREGNANT again!!! Now we were both freaking out. At this point I realized I needed to go in to the doctor to have a blood test done. I went to bed, woke up really early and took another test. This was that magical digital one that has always said NOT PREGNANT in the biggest of letters to me...this time it said PREGNANT!!! I showed Dallas and he hurried me on to the doctor. After the blood test, I waited. They said they would call late in the afternoon, so I waited. I waited and they never called, until this morning. The nurse was super apologetic and said the lab had delayed getting them the results, but that I was indeed...PREGNANT!! She was shocked, the doctor was shocked, we were shocked. We don't know how pregnant I am or how this happened. I could either be pregnant from the IVF, or pregnant from ovulating very early after the IVF and conceiving naturally. The doctor is very concerned that my progesterone levels are very low, so I took a shot this morning and I will take another shot tomorrow morning. I will go tomorrow after the shot to have another blood test to check and make sure everything is okay. I know there is a very high chance we could lose the baby, but my faith is so renewed! God has orchestrated all of this and only He can receive the praise! I am so thankful that I cannot explain this pregnancy by anything other than God's doing! What a tremendous blessing! Thank you Lord for making little of me and MUCH of yourself. May you be glorified throughout this entire pregnancy. Please protect this fragile and precious miracle that grows in my womb. Thank you for giving me the baby that I had been praying for over the last 5 years. Please grow the baby and use the baby to help increase my faith and increase the faith of others.

God gives life! Praise the Lord!

Psalm 113:9
He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the LORD!

Some good news

2011-12-02T12:15:00.000-06:00

I've been doing pretty well the past two days. I've stayed pretty busy with work and home life, so that has helped. Every time I talk about what has just happened, it's a bit like re-living the experience all over again. Not quite what I want to do, but I suppose that is part of the grieving process. Well, in the midst of all this, we paid 3900 for IVF medications. Because we own our own business, we were able to set up a health insurance policy that covered IVF. This was an amazing blessing! When I was teaching, we paid for everything out of pocket. We went through 4 cycles of IUI and paid for all 4 of them. We had spent around 15,000. Knowing that each IVF costs a little over 10,000, we knew we could only afford so many. So, praise the Lord, I quit my job and began working for my husband. This has been a blessing in MANY ways. Well, I turned in our receipts for the IVF medications and the insurance company sent us a check for 220. Yep...after being on the phone with them for weeks before the process and making sure the costs would be covered, suddenly they weren't covered. My awesome husband then got on the phone with the insurance company and demanded that the original person who reviewed everything and said we would be paid, get back on this until she figured out how to get us paid. Yesterday I got a call that said a check for 3100 was on its way and that we would be covered. Amazing grace! It was a huge blessing. It makes it feel a lot better moving forward knowing that for now, we don't have a financial ticking clock. I'm praying that God continues to provide the funds for IVF and for our business so that we can continue on the insurance. I'm still praying for our baby(s) too. In His time. Thank you, Lord!

Not Pregnant- IVF 1 failed

2011-11-29T15:46:00.000-06:00

Today I lost both babies. My heart is sad.

I'm looking forward to getting home from work and finally grieving. I already knew the answer, but just had to wait to know for sure. I will meet again with the doctor on December 19th and discuss the embryology report. We will discuss where we go from there. I hate that I have to wait through basically two more cycles before doing this again. It will be near the end of February before we finish IVF cycle 2. I wish we could just jump back in...I'm ready to see my baby(s). I know God has one for me. Christmas is going to be hard...and, though I'm glad I told people, I really don't want to talk about it. I don't want encouragement and hugs...I just want a child. Maybe I'm being a jerk, but right now I don't want sympathy. We are so incredibly blessed and this is just our 1 really hard trial. We will manage and hopefully look back someday and barely remember this.

IVF Journal- Waiting

2011-11-29T09:45:00.000-06:00

I realize I haven't updated what all happened, so I will do a brief backtracking update.

-Egg Retrieval- They took 30 eggs, fertilized 20 and we ended up with 4 embryos. Shocking that it was only 4, but that is what we had. (by the way....apparently I am hilarious under anesthesia...I said I wanted to have a unicorn baby and many other stupid things...and my husband got it all on video...how rude!) :) Back to my story....so, they originally scheduled me for a day 3 transfer and then called on day 3 to tell me the embryos looked great and we were changing to day 5 transfer. This thrilled my heart!

-After Egg Retrieval- I got incredibly sick. I had what they called a mild case of Ovarian Hyper-stimulation Syndrome. I felt terrible, bloated, had trouble breathing, got very congested, had trouble sleeping, lots of pain in my ovaries...you name it, I experienced it. So basically it was miserable. But, I made it through!

-Progesterone Shot- so, my husband is amazing at giving me shots. I barely feel them. I'll let him give me a shot anytime! :)

-Day 5 embryo Transfer- They transferred two embryos. One that looked really good and the other was just good. They called the next day to say the other two embryos didn't make it and we had none to freeze. Two babies lost, but I had hope that the other two babies would make it.

Last night I had some spotting and a negative pregnancy test. This morning, more bleeding and a negative pregnancy test. I went in to have my blood drawn and even after digging around, they couldn't get blood out of my first arm. Thankfully the second arm did much better, but the arm that didn't work bled like crazy after pulling the needle out.

My arm is a bit sore...I still hate needles. :)

I'm pretty sure the result is going to be negative. This is how all my periods start. I have all the symptoms of an upcoming period and none of a pregnancy. I'm hurting more this time than ever. I know you can get all scientific, but to me, they were my babies. The only babies I have ever known. We most likely lost them. We are both mourning and praying that God will give us peace and hope again. I know He will...but for now we are sad.

I'll update when I get the official results.

IVF Journal- New Transfer Date

2011-11-18T13:43:00.001-06:00

Well, just as I was getting ready to go to the doctor for the embryo transfer, I got a call! The embryologist called to give me good news! 2 of my embryos are 8 cell, 1 is 7 cell and the other is 5 cell. Because they would normally transfer 3 embryos on a day 3 transfer, they decided to wait till day 5. They said the embryos are really good and they'd rather let nature (God) decide which two (or one) they should transfer. They didn't want to risk me getting pregnant with triplets. Because I'm short and petite, it would be a very high risk pregnancy if I ended up with triplets and they would prefer that not happen. Their goal is one healthy baby...two is a rare situation. So...we wait some more! This is actually really good news. It gives my body more time to recover from the egg retrieval. Plus, like a dummy, I was picking up my nephew today and now I really hurt. Those cute kids are so hard to resist, but I need to take it easy. My plan is to clean my house this weekend and get everything ready for Thanksgiving guests. Sunday, I will arrive at the doc's office at 9:30am and then the transfer will be at 10am. Then, it's bed rest until Wednesday morning. I'll definitely take it easy, but I have to make food for Thanksgiving! "Grandpa's dressing" won't cook itself! Plus, I'll have a great excuse to eat WAY too much food. Now if I could just get my appetite back. :) So...we wait...encouraged!

Shut off the lights!

2011-11-18T01:43:00.000-06:00

Okay, I can't sleep. It's like I'm waiting for Christmas morning & I know my gifts are going to be awesome. Clearly my husband does not have this problem, as he is snoring away! I keep thinking about the verse that says "Come unto me all Ye who labor & I will give you rest." I'm clearly thinking this verse in the King James version I originally learned it in! Ha! So...I'm going to try and rest. Giving you my burdens, Lord, & accepting the peace and rest you offer me. In addition to needing rest, I'm feeling so blessed by all the friends & family who pray for us & mourn with us & call out to God on our behalf. What a blessed woman I am! Now shut off the light in my brain...I really want to sleep! :)

IVF-Journal "Awesome Husband"

2011-11-17T19:17:00.000-06:00

Today is the day before my egg transfer. It has been a roller coaster of emotions. To top it all off, my ovaries are overstimulated, and I have been experiencing some excruciating pain. This morning I started crying because I was hurting so much and my husband rushed to my side with a pain pill. He has been taking such good care of me throughout this whole process and today he had to give me the "rump" shot. It was my easiest shot yet! I barely felt it and he did such a great job. I know he was nervous, but he worked through the nerves and did a great job. This whole process of wanting a child is only because of our relationship. If my husband was not in my life, having children would be empty and meaningless. I'm so incredibly thankful for him today. He has definitely loved me sacrificially and cared for me well! In addition to him, I'm also thankful all my friends and family who are praying for me. Tomorrow is the big day and I know I armed with the prayers of many. See you tomorrow babies!

IVF Journal- Sudden Change

2011-11-16T12:37:00.000-06:00

This morning our embryologist called and said out of the 30 eggs they took, only 4 became good embryos. There are still 20 eggs that could fertilize, but they are moving along slowly. Because of the small numbers, we are now moving up the embryo transfer to day three (Friday). After hearing this news, I immediately began crying and worrying. Everything I read says that day 5 embryos are stronger and have a better chance of making it. I never thought I wouldn't make it to day 5, but then again I never thought I would need to got through IVF. Every bit of this experience has been a constant reminder of my need to rely on God. Just when I think I'm in control, or embryologists are in control, I realize that He is in full control. I'm trying to be hopeful about all of this. One of my dear friends called me today and reminded me that I'm now a mother of 4. It's so weird to think that there are 4 very fragile and precious babies waiting for me to grow them in my womb. I don't know how many embryos they will transfer or how many will actually make it to Friday, but at this point, I am praying for all 4 of those embryo babies. Lord, please grow them and knit them in my womb. Please give us a child and may we only be able to give the glory to you. If a baby does grow in my womb, my only boast will be that God knit together that child (or children) and gave them to us as a precious gift. Our child(ren) will be a constant reminder of the precious gift of eternal life that Christ Jesus gave to us. I could not earn the gift of salvation, it was given to me by faith. In faith I pray that my children are given to me on Friday, and in faith I pray that they will grow to be healthy, full term babies. Please strengthen my faith Lord and help me to trust you.

Today I'm singing this song, trusting in the Lord and praying with faith for my child(ren).

IVF Journal- Egg Retrieval

2011-11-15T22:48:00.000-06:00

Today was the egg retrieval. Thanks to sedation and medications, I remember very little. I was super nervous and praying a lot before they took me to retrieve the eggs. The doctor was very kind and friendly, which was a huge relief. They took 30 eggs from me and they expect each day for the amount of embryos to decrease in half. By the time we get to our transfer day on Sunday, there should be around 2 to 4 good embryos left. We can have 2 maybe 3 embryos transferred. I plan to just take the doctor's advice on the number to transfer and the rest we can freeze and come back for at another time. Sometimes the embryos aren't good enough to freeze, so we may not have any that freeze. If we do, we will come back and have those transferred either the next cycle (if this one doesn't work) or for our next child. Thursday we start the progesterone shot. Sunday we have the embryo transfer and then we wait. Right now I'm taking several medications to help me feel better and not have a lot of pain. I have so much to be thankful for. I am so thankful for all the prayers and support we have received through this process. So...here is a list of funny things I did while under anesthesia.

1. Told the nurse that the doctor was really hard to read and asked her to write down all the names of the nurses.

2. Asked my husband to video record how weird I was acting...which he did.

3. Cried to the nurse about how hard it was to go through infertility treatments.

4. Talked about the importance of making sure no embryos were destroyed. I kept saying I want to be ethical.

5. Asked them if I was going to have 10 babies.

6. Asked my husband if I was saying stupid things...I quickly followed that by saying "I want a unicorn baby."

7. Asked the same questions over and over and over again.

8. Talked about how thankful to God I was for helping me through this. (this one isn't embarrassing and actually makes me thankful that even when I'm completely out it, God is still with me.)

I really remember NONE of this...but there is video to prove it! Very embarrassing video that no one will ever see!

I'm so very thankful to God for helping me through this and keeping my mind fixed on him, even when I wasn't aware of things. I also really do hope I have a unicorn baby! :)

IVF Journal- Final timeline

2011-11-13T21:40:00.000-06:00

Today begins my final shot in the stomach. (49 shots total, including this one and the times they drew my blood) I had to administer this shot at 9pm. This is actually my easiest and most liked needle. I guess that sounds strange, but the needle is already filled and it goes in really smoothly. I didn't even feel this one. This needle triggers ovulation, so we are entering a new phase! The only thing I am sad about is that my doctor won't be able to do the egg retrieval. He will be out of town and the other doctor in the office will do the procedure. This doctor has always been rude to me. His bedside manor is less than desirable and he is tends to be quite condescending. I can't change the fact that he will be performing the egg retrieval, but I am praying for him for that day. During the egg retrieval I will be put to sleep and he will use a large needle to take all the eggs that are the right size to be fertilized. I've never been put to sleep...never even had a surgery done. I am nervous about this procedure and knowing that my doctor won't be there makes me a little more nervous. I'm really trying to trust that God is in control, even though the doctor may not be aware of that. God has really answered my prayers where the needles are concerned, and I know He will answer my prayers for the final steps in this IVF cycle. Below is my IVF timeline.

1. Tonight I took the ovulation trigger shot at 9pm.

2. Tomorrow I can't eat or drink anything after midnight.

3. Tuesday I will go to the doctor for an egg retrieval at 8:15am. There my eggs will be taken and then fertilized. At that point, my husband and I will be "parents" of brand new embryo babies.

4. On Thursday, my husband will begin giving me my progesterone shots in my rumpus. They actually drew large circles on either side of my lower hips to show my husband where to administer the shot. Clear directions are good! :)

5. I will either come back for my embryo babies to be transferred to my uterus on day 3 (Friday) or day 5 (Sunday). Most likely the transfer will take place on Sunday.

6. After the transfer, I will go on bed rest for 48 hours and afterwards I can resume light activity.

7. We will then celebrate Thanksgiving at our house with a lot of our family!

8. On Tuesday, November 29th, I will return to the doctor's office for a blood work pregnancy test.

So...there you have it. Between my anxiety and tears, I am reminded of Romans 8:³⁸ "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." No matter the outcome, no matter my fears or anxiety, I cannot be separated from God's love.

Dear embryo babies- We are praying for your survival and your strength. We know that regardless of the science involved, the doctors involved, the nurses involved, the lab technicians involved...God gives children to the childless wives.

Genesis 25:21- Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was childless. The LORD answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant.

IVF Journal- getting closer

2011-11-10T21:01:00.001-06:00

Today makes 39 needles. Yeah, I'm an overachiever! :) My doc appointment today was good. I have about 26 follicles measuring the right size. The largest are at 14. Because things are so close, I have to go to the doctor again tomorrow. I still think Monday will be the day of egg retrieval. Maybe I'll remember & ask tomorrow. I'm super tired, or I'd write more. I do want to mention that the past couple of days, my shots have been so much easier. I am so thankful for prayers & God's help in that. Praying that I can continue to give my shots so the don't really hurt. Little victories are a big deal to me!

Grab a bucket!

2011-11-09T13:12:00.001-06:00

I'm thinking this medication is causing me to be extra emotional. I can just think about someone going through a struggle and I start to cry. I can think about nothing and tears start welling up in my eyes. I'm trying really hard to not cry, but I think this weekend I may just have to spend an hour or so crying just to get this out of my system! :) So, if you need water, grab I bucket and I can supply all you need! These verses are my food for my soul today. In the midst of tears for reasons unknown or tears of grieving, my hope is in God.

Psalm 42
   ¹ As a deer pants for flowing streams,
   so pants my soul for you, O God.
² My soul thirsts for God,
   for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?

³ My tears have been my food
   day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
   "Where is your God?"
⁴ These things I remember,
   as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
   and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
    a multitude keeping festival. ⁵ Why are you cast down, O my soul,
   and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
   my salvation⁶and my God.

   My soul is cast down within me;
   therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
   from Mount Mizar.
⁷ Deep calls to deep
   at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
   have gone over me.
⁸ By day the LORD commands his steadfast love,
   and at night his song is with me,
   a prayer to the God of my life.
⁹ I say to God, my rock:
   "Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
   because of the oppression of the enemy?"
¹⁰ As with a deadly wound in my bones,
   my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me all the day long,
   "Where is your God?"
¹¹ Why are you cast down, O my soul,
   and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
   my salvation and my God.

IVF Journal- 1st Doc Visit

2011-11-08T23:00:00.002-06:00

Today I went to my infertility doctor for the first ultrasound & blood test. I have 5 or so follicles on each ovary that are measuring 10mm. I think they grow at a rate of 2mm per day & need to be around 20mm when they take them to be fertilized. The nurses said everything looks great and I'm doing better than they hoped. I'm not as up on these details as I should be, so I apologize if I'm incorrect. If I am correct, then we should be doing our retrieval around next Monday & a day 3 transfer on next Wednesday or a day 5 on the Friday after that. I can't believe I'm about a week or two away from having living babies put in my womb. I also can't believe my 3 shots today didn't really hurt! Yea for small victories!!! Praying for continued painless shots & my future baby(s). Also praying for a really sweet girl going through this same process. To know that someone understands is really a comfort. So, tonight I'm pretty thankful!

Oh, my needle count is 32 self injections & 1 blood drawn needle by the nurse. 33 total needles!

IVF Journal- Day 19

2011-11-06T10:03:00.000-06:00

23 shots in! I keep hoping that I won't mind the shots & just get used to them, but I'm actually hating them more & dreading giving them. I know the only way I will conquer this is with help from the Lord. So, this entry is really a prayer. Lord, thank you for the blessing of infertility treatments & the chance to be a mother. I am really struggling with these shots & need your help. Please help me to not dread the shot, but to be grateful for the medicine. Please help me to give my shots in a way that is less painful & doesn't cause bruising. If possible, please help me to not feel the needles. Thank you for walking with me through this trial & for providing a loving & supportive husband who cares for me through all of this. Thank you for caring about us & this trial. Help me to love you more & seek you more. In Jesus' name, amen.

IVF Journal- Entry 2

2011-11-03T10:49:00.001-05:00

Friday I will give my 17th Lupron shot & begin the Menopur & Bravelle shots. That will be a total of 19 shots since October 19th. I'll go to the doctor the following Tuesday. If everything goes well, I should complete the embryo transfer & bed rest right before Thanksgiving. I had initially hoped to know if I was pregnant by Thanksgiving, but it won't be until sometime early December. To say I am not anxious would be a lie. I've been acting pretty tough, but Tuesday I really broke down crying. I'm so thankful my husband was there to love on me and encourage me. I like to pretend what I'm going through isn't that hard, & in some ways (compared to folks that endure disease and illness) it isn't. But, it is a challenge emotionally & physically. I'm thankful that I can cast all my cares on Christ & that He doesn't turn them away just because they aren't as great as other folks'. I'm thankful that God cares about me and my trials. To quote one of my favorite songs, "So I will cast my cares on you, Jesus. I will rest within your arms, knowing I am safe from harm. I will cast my cares on you."

Warning- Shots can leave ugly gifts!

2011-11-01T23:40:00.000-05:00

No pain, no gain?

This morning I took my Lupron shot and ended up with this gift in the evening. I'm guessing I didn't execute my shot correctly or just happened to hit a blood vessle? Either way, it makes for a pretty picture! :)

What kind of parent will I be?

2011-10-31T01:41:00.002-05:00

Having spent 32 years without children, I often wonder what kind of parent I'll be. In my experience with teaching, there are a couple different kinds that I hope to not be. Having waited so long to receive the blessing of children, I think I might be very tempted to be a parent who worships their child. I know that God has designed for parents to love their children & train them in His ways, but our children are not to be adored above our Godly relationship with spouse or our Savior. I know that I will be so thankful for any child the Lord gives us, but I need to be careful not to make an idol out of my child. You shall have no other God's before me means I shouldn't serve anyone or anything over my God. That goes for my kids too.

Aside from children-worshipping parents, I have seen the opposite as well. Selfish parents. While teaching, I saw parents who chose their desires over that of their children's needs. One very difficult student had a mother who had been married 4 times. She had 9 kids by those 4 different fathers & continually chose those relationships over her kids. In addition to choosing the relationships, she also chose her addictions. She found herself homeless & because she refused to give up addictions, the shelters wouldn't take in her & her children. Her children were sent away from her & their friends (just as they were finally doing well in school) to be separated from each other & live in a different state. This broke my heart for these children. It wasn't that the kids were denied things they didn't need, but they were denied basic needs like food, shelter & a relationship with their mother & siblings. I pray that I never choose my selfish desires over the basic needs of the children I may be blessed with.

Lastly, the hoovering, controlling parent. This kind of parent is anxious over everything in their child's life. It can be a paralyzing fear that shows your child that you don't truly believe God is in control. I want to avoid this. It is my job to set boundaries for my kids & to raise them by demonstrating the Gospel in my life. I want so badly for my kids to know Jesus & all He has done for them, while they were yet still sinners. I want to show mercy & grace when they don't deserve it. I want to be careful not to try & control my children, but to trust that God is watching over them & He is in control. I want them to be respectful of me, but when they aren't, I don't want to freak out by frantically trying to remove everything that could possibly be distracting them from doing the right thing. I need to trust God & demonstrate His love to them. They will have consequences for wrong actions (we always do), but I will remind them as often as God allows, that Jesus came, died & rose to allow people who are sinners to be free from that sin. I pray that they take up their cross & follow Him over me!

I hope to be a good parent...heck, I know I will make so many mistakes so I just hope to be a parent who continually points them to the only perfect, loving father! I pray I turn to Him each second I try to parent my kids as best I can. Lord make me into a parent who seeks after you over everything. Thank you for loving me, your imperfect child, so perfectly!

IVF Journal- Entry 1

2011-10-29T23:42:00.000-05:00

It's been a while! Since I last wrote, I celebrated 10 years of marriage with my wonderful husband. We spent 9 days in Maui, staying at the Ritz-Carlton...I don't think I have to tell you how wonderful that was! Hawaii has to be one of the most beautiful places in the world and you always feel amazing while there. I would love it if my husband came home and insisted we needed to move there. I'm prepared to sacrifice! :)

In addition to celebrating our anniversary, we've done some other traveling for work and adopted a 21 year old! Dallas' little brother has moved in with us while he works out here for a bit. This could prove to be challenging, but he is such a relaxed guy, that everything is working out great! We hope that we can be a blessing in his life and offer a little bit of wisdom as he enters the "adulthood" phase of his life. I hope he is open to the wisdom we have to offer and I really hope we can give him great advice and show him Godly living. (not being perfect, but seeking after what God would have for our lives)

Lastly, I am 11 shots in to the first part of this IVF cycle. Every morning I get up and give myself a shot of Lupron. It is a very small needle and other than a slight sting from the medicine, it hasn't been too hard. Lupron slows down the growth of follicles to allow for the doctors to better control the IVF cycle. Today I began my menstrual cycle, so I will call the doctor on Monday to receive instructions about beginning the other two additional drugs. One is Bravelle and the other is Menopur. Both of these drugs will be given as a shot in my stomach as well. These two drugs actually help grow a lot of follices. The follicles hold the eggs that will be taken from me and then fertilized. Eventually they will transfer the embryo(s) back in me and Dallas will begin giving me the daily progesterone shot in my hips. 2 weeks later I take a pregnancy blood test & I pray that we are pregnant.

I've been pretty calm during the first part of this and even able to talk to people about what is going on with out tears or anxiety...and I've been okay that people have asked. I hope that I stay open to that, but realize this is a very personal and difficult time in our lives. So, for now these are my IVF prayers.

1. I pray Dallas is able to give me progesterone shot with ease and peace.

2. I pray I am able to feel peace and ease over getting the shot.

3. I pray that I am drawn to read God's word every morning and that I seek His will for my life over my desires.

4. I pray I am able to continue the exercise routine I began last week.

5. I pray that the IVF cycle is successful the first time and that God gives us the perfect amount of children.

6. I pray for God's help and trust in Him if the cycle is not successful. I think we could be finding out close to Thanksgiving and we will be hosting family during that time. I want to be able to rejoice and be thankful, even if the IVF is not successful. Lord please give me peace and comfort during this whole process. I am leaning solely on you!

Philippians 4:6- Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Still Waiting

2011-08-03T16:06:00.000-05:00

So, we are in a holding pattern right now. Waiting on insurance and some other things, and then going to be doing some more testing before I begin IVF. I am going to be totally honest and admit I am really nervous about IVF. I'm also finding myself not a joyful when others share about their pregnancies. I haven't really ever had that happen. I do know that sometimes, know that others are not in a marriage relationship, I can become very bitter over that. I am praying that God would take away my bitterness and remind me to pray for the families and children that he is weaving together. I'm also praying for strength and comfort from the Lord. I know when I ask, he meets my needs. I really don't have anything to report. No new developments. I pray that I only have to go through IVF one time. I think it will be harder to get a negative pregnancy result, because you are actually putting a child into your womb. I pray for no lost children.

Today these verses came to me when I was writing about the "current state of affairs." Jesus' words are comforting.

Matthew 5

The Sermon on the Mount

¹Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him.

The Beatitudes

²And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:

³ "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

⁴"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

⁵"Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

⁶"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

⁷"Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.

⁸"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

⁹"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sonsof God.

¹⁰ "Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

¹¹ "Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. ¹² Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Starting Over

2011-07-08T16:25:00.000-05:00

Not pregnant.

Wish there was a cooler way to say that, but that is all there is to it. So, we will be going in and starting to figure out what we need to do for IVF. I was really wishing it wouldn't come to this, but I'm just letting my fears of one more needle get to me. I am really doing okay emotionally, actually a lot better than most times. I'm still sad, but not feeling hopeless. I am a little scared about the next steps, but hopefully this will be one of the last times I write about wanting to have a child. That seems a lot more exciting than spending time dreading the next steps. I'm praying for continued peace and strength to move forward.

Too Close to Call

2011-07-07T20:24:00.000-05:00

Without being too descriptive, I will just say I don't know anything. My husband would laugh at that, because he would say I think I know everything. He just might be right. :o) But, when it comes to 2 negative pregnancy tests and different feminine happenings, I can say I know nothing. I don't know if I'm not pregnant and I don't know if I am pregnant. I am leaning toward the 98% sure I'm not pregnant and hoping the 2% unsure wins out. I'd really love to be wrong on this one. Unless there are major developments, I will be heading to have my blood drawn tomorrow morning. I'll let you know, when I know. Praying...thankful for so many who are praying too. I cherish your prayers. You are all amazing people!

Thank you!

Not looking good

2011-07-06T11:08:00.000-05:00

So...I couldn't avoid the allure of CVS any longer and I took a pregnancy test. It was negative. Now, I realize I could still be pregnant, but it's not looking good. I really hope that the test I took wasn't the final answer, but I'm prepared for the answer to be not pregnant. It's funny...pregnancy tests are placed under a sign that says family planning. There is nothing about getting pregnant that I have been able to plan. I can even go to the doctor and have a baby put in me, and it still could be a "not pregnant." Just a reminder, nothing about having a baby is our plan. It is totally God's plan.

Trusting in that plan today.

Can I get a tranquilizer?

2011-07-05T18:22:00.000-05:00

3 more days till my pregnancy test. My brain is screaming...clearly I'm anxious. I've only read about pregnancy symptoms 7 or 8 times, so I consider that to be an improvement. Slight, but an improvement. I'm really grateful that I will be traveling soon after the results, and I will be with a friend that really understands what I'm going through. In the meantime...can I please get a tranquilizer? :-) We are actually working on a project today that has various people reciting the 23rd Psalm. Pretty sure these are my verses for today.

PSALM 23

¹ The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. ² He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters, ³ he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right path for his name’s sake. ⁴ Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. ⁵ You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. ⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

My Top Ten List

2011-07-01T16:47:00.008-05:00

Okay, so people often say things to me when they find out I am going through infertility treatments. I am certain I am not the only one who has encountered these questions/statements. I'd like to put a blanket statement out there and just request people not say these things, but I understand at the heart of the comments is a desire to bring comfort or "fix" the problem. Because I cannot control others, I can only control my heart, I am trying to see how I can best respond to them. With each statement, I have a scripture that can help me control my heart toward others. So...enjoy my Top Ten things people shouldn't say to a person with infertility problems and the ten ways I should respond. (I'm guessing that is the longest Top Ten title ever!)

(1) Just relax!

According to my doctor, infertility is actually a disease that is helped by medication, and won't just go away. It is true that many people get pregnant when they stop infertility treatments, but there are actual studies done that show stress does not impact your conception abilities. It is also possible that the issues these people had weren't female related or as serious as some infertility problems can be. It is also possible that God miraculously gave them a child. Any conception of a child is miraculous, but sometimes it we are reminded more vividly of that fact. So, when I hear this, I think that it must be a way to remind me to trust in the Lord.

Proverbs 3:5-6- "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight. "

(2) You should just adopt!

I think a lot of people feel like adoption is an easy process. Adoption is such a wonderful thing, but takes a long time and a heart ready to go through the process of rejection, scrutinizing every part of your life and family, an immense amount of money, and understanding that the birth parents can change their minds. International adoptions are even more complicated. While this comment brings a lot of things to my mind, it is probably one of the best reminders I can have of my adoption in Christ Jesus.

Ephesians 1:3-10 - "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—"

(3) My cousin started to adopt a baby, and as soon as she was into the process, boom, she was pregnant!

This fits with number 2, but is slightly different. If Dallas and I ever decide to adopt (we have prayed about this but have not felt God call us to this), it will not be because we need a plan B or hope to get pregnant through the process. I would choose adoption because I'm choosing that child. I wouldn't ever want a child to feel like they were my plan B. I need my heart to be completely sold out to the child, so adoption must be my only choice if I ever seek it out. No child would want to feel like a second choice. When I think of this, I'm reminded that Christ loved me before I ever loved Him. I'm able to love, because Christ first loved me.

1 John 4:19- "We love because He first loved us."

(4) You want kids? You can have mine!

This comment can always seems the most ridiculous of all, but maybe it is the most sacrificial. I mean, seriously, are you going to just give your kids up to me? No, because you love your kids! But, when I get out of the "me-focused" approach to my infertility, and look at this in a different light, what an awesome statement this could be. I think someone who says this, is really thinking about the pain I'm experiencing. To offer up their kids, even as a joke, shows a desire to help and understand your pain.

John 15:12-13- "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends."

(5) Oh, you're still young, it will happen when you least expect it.

You know, I should take this comment as a compliment! 32 in 12 days is VERY young! I know that person doesn't know the grieving my husband and I go through each month over the last 4 (I thought it had been longer, but my husband corrected me on this) or so years, so this comment seems to make sense. Having a baby seems like such a natural thing. But when I think of it, this comment is like telling a 4 year old who can't walk, don't worry, you are still young and will walk one day. Don't you think that after 4 years of not being able to walk, you start thinking that kid is never going to walk. I think if you could see infertility as an actual disability, it wouldn't be approached this way. Still...I can't expect random strangers, friends and family, to understand all that I'm going through. I'm not entitled to their kindness and this reminds me that I'm undeserving of God's grace.
Ephesians 2:8-9- "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast."

(6) Wow, you've been married almost 10 years! That is awesome. Do you guys have kids? ...or, when are you guys going to have kids?
Question number one is hard...nope, no kids yet. Question number two follows and then I share we have been going through infertility treatments. Then all of the other random statements follow. This always seems to be one of the more awkward statements. If I'm open and honest, I suddenly make people feel bad that they asked a totally innocent question. Not that it didn't hurt to have this question asked, but they certainly didn't intend to get that answer. This reminds me that God's timing is perfect. No matter when, or if we have children, life is seasonal.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 - "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:"

(7) Just stop trying.

I had a friend that went through 3 IVF's and decided to quit it all. 6 months later, she was pregnant with twins!
Okay, let us look at this scientifically. Did they really just "stop trying."
Biology says they had to try. :)
If I could get pregnant by just thinking it, that would be much easier than all I am going through. I would gladly give up the drugs and needles and doctor's appointments and stop trying, but I will never get pregnant that way. So...we've definitely got to try. I just think it is more evidence that in life, things can be hard. We have to run the race. God will go alongside us, but we have to get up and run. He gives us the strength, although the results along the way aren't always what we desire, the race is sure to be completed in those who trust in Christ. It's not like my race is harder than Christ's was. I will never know the pains He knows. I will never suffer as He has.

Hebrews 12:1-3- "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

(8) I wish I had that problem! Every time my hubby looks at me, I get pregnant!
Okay...so to this person I just kick them in the face and run away. Just kidding!! It just reminds me that God still blesses people with children every day.

1 Samuel 1:27- "I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him."

(9) Have you tried getting drunk?
Yes, in college, but it didn't bring about good things in my life. My grades suffered, I made poor choices, lost scholarships, lost my parent's trust and many relationships ended badly. After all that, I realized that sinful things don't lead to good things happening in my life. What poor behavior I chose against a Good and Holy God. So, in my head I'm thinking this, but really I should be reminded that I deserve a life apart from God...but God changed all that when He saved me. So thankful that he doesn't count my works, because I pretty much blew them all out of the water in college. I'm thankful His grace covers all of that.
Isaiah 53:5-6- "But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace and with his stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all.

(10) I know this person that stopped infertility treatments and would drink juice every morning from this little glass with a rooster on it. The glass came from a foreign country and was her fertility glass. Sure enough, she got pregnant!
(this was REALLY said to me...)
This made me laugh at first, and then caused me to realize that so many people don't know the love of Christ. So many people are unaware that God sent His Son to die so that they could know Him and be free from their sins. They place their hope in things that can't save, or maybe they have no hope at all. I may never have a child, but I praise the Lord that I will know and will always be with my God and Savior. My hope is in Christ Jesus. My foundation is solid. I thank the Lord for my Salvation and recognize what a gift of grace it is to me. Please know God's gift is for you too.

John 3:16-21 "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God."

What is your Top Ten, and how will you respond?

And now we wait...

2011-06-27T16:32:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I'm not going completely crazy yet, but that is typical for this time in the 2 week wait. Saturday I had my IUI. Everything went perfectly. Then, my poor husband got sick with food poisoning. That has been an experience. Poor guy! So aside from helping him get better and working, I'm just waiting. I will find out on the 8th of July if we are pregnant. I don't know who reads my blog, other than some WONDERFUL friends and relatives, but if there is anyone struggling with infertility I wish I could be a help to you. This two week wait has to be the hardest thing to go through, aside from finding out you aren't pregnant. Knowing that there is a 25% change of success, the mathematician in me realizes I have a greater chance of NOT being pregnant. But, I desire to not rely on math and still place my hope in the giver of life. Every day people defy mathematical odds and become pregnant. That could be me! So, I'm trying not to dwell on every twinge, random sick feelings, lack of sick feelings, moodiness or lack of moodiness. Whether this works or not, my purpose in life doesn't change. Becoming pregnant or a mother, doesn't fulfill my life. I'm certain it will add to my life and bring joys and sorrows, but it doesn't give me the complete fulfillment that I have in my relationship with Christ Jesus. Praying for a child...Lord please grant my petition.

1 Samuel 1:27

²⁷For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him.

At the Crossroads

2011-06-23T13:52:00.000-05:00

A lot is going on right now.

I began working full-time for our company and I'm loving it! It is such a blessing to be contributing to the hard work my husband puts in ever day to support our family. Secondly, I've been giving myself daily shots again to prepare for another IUI. We will have the IUI this Saturday. I went to the doctor this morning and everything looks good for the procedure. Like every other time, I am praying in faith that it will work. I will find out on July 8th. My 32nd birthday is July 13. I'd really love to be pregnant for my birthday. What a present. I will still have a party either way, but at least I could justify eating a LOT of cake! :) If IUI doesn't work this time, we are in the process of purchasing insurance for our company and our employee. This insurance will cover the IVF procedure. Who knew that quitting my job could actually save us money. IVF costs around $10,000. The insurance should reduce that significantly. Praise God for hidden miracles. So...about IVF. We had a meeting with our doctor to understand everything. In addition to that, my good friend Renee called and shared her experience with IVF. She just underwent her 3rd IVF procedure and is now pregnant! Her blog is linked over on the side of mine. I kind of consider her my Infertility hero. She has gone through a lot and it is a blessing to have a friend who understands everything. After meeting with the doctor and talking with friends, we feel comfortable going forward with IVF. We explained our beliefs on life and conception and got to understand the freezing embryo process much better. We also found out that they don't ever destroy frozen embryos and 100% of the women who freeze their embryos come back to have them implanted. I know that is a rare thing, but I think it speaks to how the "bible-belt" people feel about life. Why would you go through this entire procedure to create a life, only to destroy another? With all of that said, we know that if the IUI doesn't work, we are both ready to go forward with IVF. Now...I'm not ready to add another shot, especially when I was told the location was my backside! Ughh! And, yes, I do plan to hold all this over the head of my future child/children. I feel like I have the upper-hand already in parenting! ha! :)

All that said...I am really hoping that this IUI just works. Praying for a miracle and trusting that God is able to grant it. Regardless of what happens, regardless of my joy or sadness, regardless of my understanding, I know that God's plan is perfect. I'm trusting in that. Lord give me peace and comfort as we move closer to the results of the IUI.

Speaking of House Guests...

2011-06-06T14:58:00.000-05:00

So, what is the best excuse to finally get some things done at my house? Having really cool house guests come to stay! Because our good friends came to visit, I interrupt the infertility talk to share normal things. House decorating pictures.

Here comes my inner HGTV!

ENTRY

DINING ROOM

GUEST BED VIEW 1

GUEST BED VIEW 2

Guido was pleased and happy with the Guest Bedroom. He gave it two paws up!

Ready for more guests to come and stay!

Endings and Beginnings

2011-06-06T14:28:00.001-05:00

Last Friday I ended my 4th year teaching Elementary Music and today I began a new job as a Producer for my husband's Post Audio company. It was an incredible feeling to walk out of the school and know that I would be starting a new career. It is a huge blessing to be able to work full-time with my husband. What a joy to ride to work together (although this morning began WAY earlier than I would have liked). I know that I am living the American dream and investing in my own company. Knowing that I am working to help build a business and hire others, really gives me a heart of thankfulness! In addition to my new career, we had dear friends from D.C. visit us. They came with their one year old little boy. That was an added treat. While they were here, we went out to dinner with some of their family and friends. Our house guests had also struggled with infertility and every time I see their little boy, it is a reminder that there is hope for us to have a child. At dinner, I discovered another one of their friends had struggled with infertility. She sat (with her little girl in her arms) and shared all that she went through. While I hate that others have to go through this trial, it is a wonderful reminder that God is able to overcome. I left that dinner and our time with our house guests, with such hope. I am always thankful when God can turn my sadness and grief into joy and hope. What a great God. I have so much to be thankful for. I keep singing Keith Getty and Stuart Townend's song "My Heart is Filled with Thankfulness." As we meet with the doctor this Wednesday and prepare for our next infertility treatment, my heart is indeed filled with Thankfulness. I know this thankfulness is only possible because Christ is in my heart. Thank you Jesus, for saving me and giving me a song of Thankfulness...even in the midst of trials.

“My Heart Is Filled with Thankfulness“
My heart is filled with thankfulness
To Him who bore my pain;
Who plumbed the depths of my disgrace
And gave me life again;
Who crushed my curse of sinfulness
And clothed me in His light
And wrote His law of righteousness
With pow’r upon my heart.

My heart is filled with thankfulness
To Him who walks beside;
Who floods my weaknesses with strength
And causes fears to fly;
Whose ev’ry promise is enough
For ev’ry step I take,
Sustaining me with arms of love
And crowning me with grace.

My heart is filled with thankfulness
To him who reigns above,
Whose wisdom is my perfect peace,
Whose ev’ry thought is love.
For ev’ry day I have on earth
Is given by the King;
So I will give my life, my all,

To love and follow him.

“My Heart Is Filled with Thankfulness“
Words and Music by Keith Getty & Stuart Townend
Copyright © 2003 Thankyou Music

Decisions

2011-05-26T22:17:00.000-05:00

I'm not pregnant.

I think I've said this before. The IUI did not work. I ended up with less cysts...only 5 this time. Two were about and inch and 1/2 on my right ovary and the other three were slightly smaller on my left ovary. I am still experiencing some pain. I notice that when I am very active or really stressed, they seem to be hurting more. Maybe it's my imagination, but I can feel pretty good in the morning, but be hurting pretty badly at the end of the teaching day. This has been one of the hardest times. When I found out I wasn't pregnant, I didn't want to go back to work. I almost called my principals and told them I wouldn't be returning. My husband was fully supportive of this, but I am still working. I can't say this decision has helped, but I have been extremely busy. I guess that is good. I was very honest with my principals and shared I just don't have the emotional capacity to teach right now. I am doing the best I can. I feel like my students aren't getting the best of my abilities, but there is only so much I can do. After this last time, the doctor has recommended we do IVF next time. That crushed me. You think that I would be excited because that raises my chances of getting pregnant significantly. IUI gives me a 25% chance for pregnancy and IVF can get me up to a 65% chance. But as I think of IVF, I feel inadequate as a woman. Needing help to have a baby is one thing...having to create life and then put it inside me makes me feel like less of a woman. It is so silly for me to say that, but I never thought I wouldn't be able to have a baby on my own. It seems like having a family is one of the most natural things...how foolish I am to place my worth in having a baby. Lord, help my heart with this.

My husband and I are meeting with the doctor to discuss IVF and next steps. This is a very hard decision. We have only done 2 IUI's and 3 rounds of injectible meds to help with conception. Hubby wants to do one more IUI. I just want to do whatever is going to definitely work. I know there is no such thing. IVF will cost us about $8,000. Financially, this is a really hard decision. Emotionally this is a really hard decision. Spiritually, I am confused about what God would have us do. Most decisions are just decisions. This decision involves a moral aspect. I have shared my spiritual concerns with my doctor and he is understanding of that. I want to share more and confirm that no embryo will be destroyed. I know life starts at conception and with all we are doing to bring life into this world, it would break my heart if I destroyed a life. I have never faced anything like this and very much need prayer and advice. I need to know the right questions to ask the doctor and how to clearly communicate my position to the doctor. In all of this...I have had moments of complete comfort in my Savior. I was singing praise songs in my car and I just began sobbing. I praise God that because of Jesus Christ, I will some day move beyond the pain and grieving. I praise God that He has given me a Savior and life eternal worshiping at His feet. How I long for the day when the focus on me and my desires will no longer be possible. I will only be able to focus on the one True God. I long to "glory in my Redeemer..."

I will glory in my Redeemer
Whose priceless blood has ransomed me
Mine was the sin that drove the bitter nails
And hung Him on that judgment tree
I will glory in my Redeemer
Who crushed the power of sin and death
My only Savior before the Holy Judge
The Lamb Who is my righteousness
The Lamb Who is my righteousness

I will glory in my Redeemer
My life He bought, my love He owns
I have no longings for another
I’m satisfied in Him alone
I will glory in my Redeemer
His faithfulness my standing place
Though foes are mighty and rush upon me
My feet are firm, held by His grace
My feet are firm, held by His grace

I will glory in my Redeemer
Who carries me on eagle’s wings
He crowns my life with lovingkindness
His triumph song I’ll ever sing
I will glory in my Redeemer
Who waits for me at gates of gold
And when He calls me it will be paradise
His face forever to behold
His face forever to behold
His face forever to behold

© 2001 Sovereign Grace Worship (ASCAP).

Negative equals Positive?

2011-05-15T14:03:00.000-05:00

I've taken several pregnancy tests and they all say "not pregnant." Tomorrow is my blood test, unless my cycle begins before then. I'm hoping that I am pregnant, but prepared to trust the many pregnancy tests I've already taken. I am taking tomorrow off from work, because I know I cannot teach at school and deal with the emotions that come from either joy or sorrow. I am praying for a miracle. We shall see what happens. To quote the late Rich Mullins, "Hold me, Jesus...cause I'm shaking like a leaf. You have been King of my glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace."

6 More Days

2011-05-10T23:17:00.000-05:00

Previously at this point in the process, I would have taken 15 pregnancy tests. Well, okay, I would have taken 16! I have abstained from the pregnancy tests and thankfully find myself not as anxious. I praise God for that. I REALLY do want to know if the IUI worked, and I REALLY want to be pregnant. Can faith and fear exist at the same time? Do you really have true faith, if you are preparing yourself for the fear of not being pregnant? I am trying to figure that out. I don't have a quick answer for that. I know God has given me answers, but in the busyness of finishing my teaching job, I've not found time to figure out that answer. I'll have to get back to you (or me) on that one. In the meantime, pass me a pregnancy test? Just kidding! Well, I'll at least try and wait to take a test a couple days before Monday, the 16th. For now, I'll trust in the God who is able to do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine. At this point, having a child would be immeasurably more that I could imagine. And if I am not pregnant, I trust that the deep, deep love of Christ can carry me through the loss.

Ephesians 3:14-21
¹⁴ For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

No pain, No gain?

2011-05-08T19:07:00.000-05:00

On Saturday morning, I woke up at 4a.m. with excruciating sharp pains in my lower abdomen. I began shaking and sweating and got really worried. It felt like someone had blown a balloon up in my lower abdomen and I was experiencing bloating and gas that could not be conquered. (yeah, there is nothing pretty about trying to conceive...sorry if that is too much detail) I woke Dallas up to tell him, because I didn't know if I would need to go to the emergency room or not. After laying there for several hours, it finally started feeling better. I called my doctor and the doctor on call said I was experiencing cysts rupturing and internal bleeding. He told me if the intense pain didn't go away, I should go to the emergency room. I asked him if this meant the IUI procedure was not a success. Thankfully he said this was normal and I can definitely be pregnant. Because we are using injectable drugs, it causes the ovaries to grow lots of follicles. Only 4 grew to the correct size this time, but those little ones can rupture and bleed. Apparently that can cause a LOT of pain. I've still been in pain, especially when I move around a lot, but nothing like I experienced on Saturday. 8 more days and I will know if the pain has all been worth it this month! :)

I didn't go to church today. It really hit me on Friday night...I'm not a mother. I know my church would have been very sensitive to women struggling with infertility or losing a baby, so I didn't NOT go because of that. I just knew I could not hold it together and would have been a flood of tears. Some days I'm okay with letting people see me grieve. Some days I can really hold my emotions together. I knew I couldn't today. I decided to spend my day making lunch for my Mother and Sister-in-law. Today has still been hard, but doing things for others made it a bit easier. Everywhere I went this weekend, people kept telling me "Happy Mother's Day!" Part of me wanted to tell them my story and make them realize not everyone is "Happy" on this day. The self-controlled part of me remembered that many mothers will be happy to hear that. I'm not going to let my situation get in the way of people expressing kindness to mothers. It is a real challenge to not let your situation dictate your emotions. I'm fighting for joy today. I think I might be losing that fight, but I'm thankful that God doesn't leave or forsake me, just because I lack joy. God is good, even when my situation is not.

For Moms, Former Moms, and Wannabe Moms

2011-05-06T22:33:00.001-05:00

For Moms, Former Moms, and Wannabe Moms

This is one of the best articles I have read on Motherhood. I highly recommend this short article, especially if you are struggling with infertility. It's good for people that are single, married with children or without. I read it from a link that Carolyn McCulley shared on facebook. If you have time, check out Carolyn's blog, books and website. One of my favorite quotes from the article was, "Motherhood is not the greatest good for the Christian woman. Whether you are a mom or not, don’t get caught up in sentimentalism that sets it up as some saintly role. The greatest good is being conformed to the image of Christ." Very important for me to remember as I desire to be a Mom.

5 days past IUI

2011-05-06T18:31:00.000-05:00

My IUI was Monday. I don't have much to report, but I have noticed I'm not as anxious this time. So far, I haven't been reading every infertility website to figure out if I am pregnant or not. I really want to be pregnant, but part of me is trying to brace for disappointment. I know that is not being hopeful. I keep thinking about songs that talk about waiting on the Lord and receive strength from him. I really need strength to have hope and wait upon the Lord. I'm meditating on Isaiah 40:29-31

²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
   and increases the power of the weak.
³⁰ Even youths grow tired and weary,
   and young men stumble and fall;
³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
   will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
   they will run and not grow weary,
   they will walk and not be faint.

Praying that the Lord will give me hope, as I wait. I'm praising Him for every minute I don't feel anxious. I know that is definitely a work of the Lord, because the last 2 times I was VERY anxious. I HOPE to have good news to report on Monday, May 16th.

One more needle

2011-05-01T18:14:00.000-05:00

So, after giving myself 15 shots and getting blood drawn 2 times, I have successfully conquered 17 needles in 15 days! Woo hoo. If I don't begin my monthly cycle, I'll experience one more needle. This needle tells me if I am pregnant or not. I've not gotten to take the Beta (pregnancy) blood test yet, because I always start my cycle before the test date. So, I'm praying for one more needle. Never thought I'd pray for a needle. I'm actually laughing right now, as I think about how ironic it is. One of my biggest fears and dislikes, is now my biggest hope. I think God, creator of humor, is very funny right now. While at church today, I was thinking how awesome it is that God can turn sorrow into joy. Psalm 30 verses 10-12 say, "Hear, LORD, and be merciful to me, LORD, be my help.” You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. LORD my God, I will praise you forever." You turned my wailing over needles into dancing and clothed me with joy in the midst of this trail. I know only God could do that...I've tried talking myself into happiness, but it never lasts. I know that God is the one who has done this for me in my life. I praise Him for that.

He turned a carton of needles into joy.

Moving Forward

2011-04-30T20:15:00.000-05:00

I had a good doctor's appointment today. I have 4 follicles that are nearing the right size and two are about equal in size. (this is where my heart freaks out and prays for twins...yeah, I'm a crazy woman!) I gave myself one shot of the lowest dose of medication tonight, and tomorrow I will take the shot that causes me to ovulate. Monday morning I will have my IUI, and then I begin a progesterone pill that will help me maintain a pregnancy. My hope is that Monday results in a pregnancy. I told that to my doctor today and he agreed that will be our hope for Monday. He was very encouraging and such a nice man. So, two weeks from Monday I will know if I am pregnant or not. I hate this part. The two week wait...ughh! I always say that I won't take 500 pregnancy test or read about earliest symptoms...the two week wait really tests me. Philippians 4:6 says "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." This will be my constant prayer for the next two weeks. Lord please comfort me in a way that only you can. Please give this barren woman a child and give me peace as we move forward into this IUI process. Please help me to not be anxious, but to trust in your sovereign, good plan for my life.

Healer

2011-04-28T20:57:00.000-05:00

Quick update- Things are still progressing slowly, but progressing. I took a larger dose of meds in my shot tonight and then I'll take another shot on Friday. I return to the doctor on Saturday for blood work, ultrasound and hopefully the good news that we can move forward with triggering ovulation and the IUI. I read something recently that talked about infertility being a disease. It really isn't something that can be fixed or cured. It can be helped and there are miracles that occur, but infertility doesn't really go away. Saying that, I don't think people should suddenly feel sorry for me and donate to the cause of curing unexplained infertility or PCOS. I do think it causes me to pray for healing in the area of my infertility. It doesn't matter how many shots I take, how many drugs I endure or how many brilliant doctors I go to...only the Great Physician, Christ Jesus, is able to heal me and give me a child. I am thankful that I'm aware of that more and more each day. I think I would feel very hopeless if I didn't know that God was Sovereign over this all. Knowing that He has "healed" me from my great "disease" of Sin, I'm confident he can deliver me from infertility. I am not special...He can do this for any of us.
^{1Peter 2:24} “He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” ²⁵ For “you were like sheep going astray,”but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.

Eggs, Shots and Blood work...oh my!

2011-04-27T01:16:00.002-05:00

Today I went in for blood work and an ultrasound. Things aren't progressing very quickly, but that is pretty much my fault for not ordering enough medication. My nurse did say that they should make sure to let me know how much medicine I should anticipate ordering at the beginning, so if it doesn't work this month, I will hopefully order correctly next month. This afternoon I fell asleep only to wake up past the time to give myself a shot. After a short little freak out, I went ahead and took the shot late and I will take my shot tomorrow at the correct time. Wow, I'm not doing so hot with everything! Can I claim "pregnancy brain" even when I'm not pregnant? I need an excuse for how I'm slacking as an infertility patient this month. :) I'm really glad that my faith isn't in my ability to do everything correctly, but in God's ability to give us a child. I know things will still be okay and I'm looking forward to my next doctor's appointment on Thursday morning. I'm hoping they tell me that my eggs are ready and that we can move forward with the IUI soon. I'm so thankful for my hopefulness and excitement this month. I've been really excited about the chance for pregnancy this month. It is really easy for me to get discouraged, but I feel a real sense of excitement this month. I think it's been around 6 years of trying to conceive. I've really quit counting. It all comes under the umbrella of the "infertility season." I'm hoping that I can move into the "pregnancy season," and follow that with the "motherhood season." I can only imagine the joy that I will receive from those last two seasons. I think becoming pregnant and a mother seems a little like winning the lottery to me. A little unfathomable at times, but I know it happens to people. While pregnancy occurs quite a bit more often that winning the lottery, the excitement seems pretty similar. I'm praying I know that excitement very soon!

Baby Quest Update

2011-04-25T23:14:00.000-05:00

Recently I went to the doctor and found out that all but 1 very small cysts went away! Praise God for that! I've been giving myself the daily shots and going to get my blood work and ultrasounds done. I go tomorrow morning for another blood work and ultrasound. I had a bit of a complication with my medicine doses, so I'm praying that God works a miracle and I have progressed further than I should have. My doctor had raised my dosage, but I hadn't purchased enough of the medication, so they had to lower it again. It is very difficult to know how much medication to purchase and it is very expensive. One box contains 5 vials of medication and costs around 300$. I've been using 3 vials with each daily dose. So I have to purchase 2 boxes for three days of medication. We are now up to 4 boxes purchased this round and I didn't even get to take the right amount because the boxes weren't ordered for the right date. That was my fault, so I'm praying for a better outcome than expected. I think for this round we will probably go through 6 boxes. I'm so thankful that God has provided the funds. It seems like we aren't going to be able to pay for everything and then our company gets a new project that pays for our employee, operating expenses and gives us enough of a salary to pay for the treatments. We are taking it one month at a time. I am really praying and trusting that God can give us a child this month. I want to believe and have faith that He can. I know that if He doesn't He is still a good and merciful God. But I also know that He asks us to bring our request to Him. This is my prayer, Lord. This my request. Please bless us with a child this month. Thank you for how you have provided the means to receive infertility treatments. Please help us to trust in you and rejoice in the Salvation you have given us. You are such a good God. Thank you that I can say that, even in the midst of this trial.

^{Philippians 4:4} Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

I Quit My Job!

2011-04-25T23:01:00.000-05:00

I'm retiring!! Well, I'm retiring from teaching and I'm going to work for my husband's company. This is VERY exciting. We have been living two very different work schedules and to help eliminate a lack of time with each other, we are taking a leap of faith and I'm quitting my elementary music teaching job. To allow for more time with my husband, and to double our efforts in growing the business, I'm going to be working for him beginning in June! I can't wait! I am seriously about to bust at the seams...6 more weeks and I get to pursue a new career and calling! I got a sample of working for my husband this last week, and also got to record different voices for a project he is working on. I've missed feeling like I could be creative and use my acting and singing talents. I feel like I will really get to try new things in the television/video game world. Can you tell I'm excited? I get to wear JEANS to work and can dye my hair any color I want! It feels like I'm going to be experiencing a new freedom. I seriously don't know how I'm going to make it 6 more weeks! I am so thankful to my husband for working so hard to build a business that I can be a part of, and for trusting me to be his right-hand gal. I feel blessed that God has given us a relationship that we 1.) desire to be together at home and at work 2.) communicate well during stressful times and 3.) spur each other on to bring the best out of each other in the workplace. I have such an amazing friend in my husband. I hear so many couples talk about how they could never work with their spouse because that would be too much time together. We feel the complete opposite. After almost 10 years of marriage, I can tell you that every minute is precious with my husband and I desire to spend all of my minutes with him. That is most definitely a work of the Holy Spirit in our marriage. There were so many years of fighting and lack of love and communication. I praise God for how He has changed me and changed our marriage through Christian marriage counseling, church and relationships with other Christian couples. I am very much looking forward to seeing what happens in the next year as we are completely self-employed. I am trusting that God will sustain us in our marriage and in our finances. I pray that each day I become a better steward of the resources God has given us and that I'm an encouragement to our business and my husband. I Praise the Lord for this blessing of "early retirement."

Unexpected Praise

2011-04-17T23:59:00.000-05:00

This month started out really difficult because I knew there was no chance for pregnancy. I've been taking the BC pills and hoping that all the cysts will be gone. I should know pretty soon if we will be able to move forward with treatments soon. I am praying for no cysts and a successful cycle, but trusting that God has a plan and purpose if there will be more waiting. This month, I was thankful that God's plan for the waiting was revealed. On Tuesday, we found out that Dallas' father died. This has been one of the most complicated and difficult things we have ever gone through. I know that in the midst of all of this, having to proceed with fertility treatments would have been nearly impossible. Through all of this, I have never been so thankful that we were on "pause" for this month. In the midst of a very painful loss for my husband, I praise God for his plan. My plan would have been different. His plan was perfect. As we returned from a funeral that shared a very clear Gospel message and cleaning up the affairs of his father, I have found many times to praise God. I know that although my husband is going through a LOT of pain right now, he has even taken the time to praise God. I am meditating on this Psalm. I know God is the giver of Life. He is the giver of Eternal Life. Having my one and only greatest need satisfied, salvation through Christ Jesus, I have many reasons to praise God.

Psalm 113
¹ Praise the LORD.
   Praise the LORD, you his servants;
   praise the name of the LORD.
² Let the name of the LORD be praised,
   both now and forevermore.
³ From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
   the name of the LORD is to be praised.
⁴ The LORD is exalted over all the nations,
   his glory above the heavens.
⁵ Who is like the LORD our God,
   the One who sits enthroned on high,
⁶ who stoops down to look
   on the heavens and the earth?
⁷ He raises the poor from the dust
   and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
⁸ he seats them with princes,
   with the princes of his people.
⁹ He settles the childless woman in her home
   as a happy mother of children.
   Praise the LORD.

Complications

2011-03-23T23:03:00.001-05:00

Today I went in for my Beta pregnancy test, but because I know I'm not pregnant, I avoided a needle! Yea! That is the good news.

The bad news is I have 22 cysts on my ovaries. 13 on my left ovary and 9 on my right ovary. I heard the nurses gasp when they saw how many I have. So, I am taking birth control to try and get rid of all of the cysts. I'm not sure what having all those cysts mean for this process. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to stay and ask more questions because I had to get to school and teach. I spent all day teaching and then as I headed home, I just broke down crying. One more month will pass and I will definitely not get pregnant this month. So, my prayer is that all the cysts go away. I have been in a lot of pain (the nurse was surprised I could walk), so I also pray that the pain goes away. Two of the cysts seemed really large. I think they measured 40 and 41.5 millimeters. Because of all these cysts, I wonder if there was even really a chance for me to get pregnant. They didn't show up until after the IUI, or I know we wouldn't have proceeded. So many unanswered questions. I hope to speak with the nurses soon, and maybe get some of my questions answered. For now, I just have to trust in the Lord and lean not on my own understand. I can definitely acknowledge all the great things He has done in my life and I am certain He is with me and will help me make it through. Every day that I am able to get out of bed and go teach my classes with a smile on my face, I know that God has helped me through. Steven Curtis Chapman wrote a great song that summarizes how I've been feeling. So thankful for the lyrics and the testimony from a songwriter who really understands God's Sovereignty in the midst of suffering.

His Strength is Perfect- By Steven Curtis Chapman

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength,
But sometimes I wonder what He can do through me;
No great success to show, No glory on my own,
Yet in my weakness He is there to let me know . . .

CHORUS
His strength is perfect when our strength is gone;
He’ll carry us when we can’t carry on.
Raised in His power, the weak become strong;
His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect.

We can only know
The power that He holds
When we truly see how deep our weakness goes;
His strength in us begins
Where ours comes to an end.
He hears our humble cry and proves again . . .

I'm not pregnant...again

2011-03-23T01:04:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is my official blood test to check for pregnancy, but I am well aware that I am not pregnant. My dear, monthly visitor has arrived. I was really trying to be very brave and optimistic about this, but tonight I just broke down. I'm so glad my husband was here to let me cry on his shoulders. He was glad I was crying, because I'd been putting on a "brave face" every time I'd spoken with him. I wish I could say this is easy to get through, but it is very hard. I teach elementary music and all day long I have to be happy and bubbly and high-energy. This is so very hard to do, especially today.

When someone dies, you can grieve. You can grieve in a very public way. Every month, I grieve in isolation. Even when people know what I am going through, they just can't understand the loss I feel. Today I just sobbed in my husband's arms. I told him how hard it is to pretend I'm okay. You can't teach school and spend the whole class crying. I can't explain to my students the situation I'm going through, nor would I want to. There are so many things that make this seem even more complicated than it is. The list is long and not really worth talking about. It only makes me realize how very in need of a Savior I am. I am broken in so many ways...physically, spiritually... I am so very thankful that Christ's offer of Salvation isn't dependent upon my goodness.

This trial has revealed so many things to me. I am more aware of my selfishness. I am more aware of my lack of faith and contentment. I pray that God is using this to help me become a better Mom some day. I pray that God is using this to show me how dependent on Him I must be. I draw my strength from Him. At the foot of the cross...I so badly need to be there more and more as I journey through this painful trial. His grace is sufficient and available to me. Praise God He isn't dependent on my journey there. He has already met me...just where I am.

^{Matthew 11:28} “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Great is thy Faithfulness

2011-03-22T01:58:00.000-05:00

I have constantly been singing "Great is Thy Faithfulness" in my head.

Great is thy faithfulness, O God my father
There is no shadow of turning with Thee
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been, Thou for ever will be

Great is thy faithfulness
Great is thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed thy hand hath provided
Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me

I am two days away from know if our IUI procedure worked. On the 9th of March, I went in for the IUI. The doctor said there were four follicles, maybe five. Everything looked really good. While the whole IUI process is slightly embarrassing for this Southern girl, it was a bit comical too. I love that God has given me a great sense of humor. That has made some of the more awkward experiences, just plain funny. Where was I? Oh, IUI...so that process went well. I had a week off for Spring Break in which I became obsessed with typing "symptoms" into Google and hoping it would reveal my desired answer. I notice that Google can give you whatever answer you are really hoping for, but it isn't always the true answer. No matter what I Google, God is still the creator of life. God still knows the plans for my life. So, as I approach the day of my pregnancy test (yes, I've take 5 home pregnancy tests...at least), I am trying to trust that Great is His Faithfulness. No matter the outcome, God is faithful and every morning I see His new mercies. I really hope that God gives us a child this month, but more than anything, I hope that I can appreciate God's faithfulness if he doesn't. I think it is easy to say God is faithful, when you are receiving blessing upon blessing. It is much harder to say in the midst of pain and grief, God is good and faithful. Dear Lord, please let me not be unaware of your faithfulness to me every day. Please remind me often that your plans are best and for my good. Please let people see that only because of your work in my life, am I able to endure this very painful trial. Thank you for your faithfulness!

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside

Great is thy faithfulness
Great is thy faithfulness
All I have needed thy hand hath provided
Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me

Human Pincushion

2011-03-06T22:35:00.000-06:00

Every day I face one of my biggest fears...shots! I hate needles. For the past 10 days I've endured 12 needles. 10 of them I've be personally responsible for. Every day I have to give myself an injection in my stomach. Luckily, the needle is very small and my doctors approved of me using ice to numb my stomach. So, other than the sting of medication, I don't really feel the needle. I have bruises on my stomach and little puncture marks that would say differently, but I really don't feel the needle. When getting my blood drawn...well that is a different story. Yuck! I am certain that the victory I have over needles every day is due to Christ and His help.

Psalm 28:7 says "The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him."

My heart does leap for joy. Even in the midst of this trial, there are moments when my heart leaps for joy. I am joyful that I still desire to have a child. I know that desire comes from God. I am joyful that I daily conquer my fear of needles. If you had seen me run away from my pediatrician at the age of 13 (trying to avoid a flu shot), you would know what a miracle in the Lord this is. Just ask my Mom. I am also joyful that God has provided us the money to pay for infertility treatments. Our insurance doesn't cover ANY of it. Not one penny. Each doctor's visit, each medication, each needle, each procedure...we pay for every bit of it. I pray that God continues to provide us with the funds to pay for the medical help we need. Lastly, I am joyful that this situation is not an impossible one for God. Somedays it seems impossible in my mind, but Christ who overcame death and the cross, is interceding on my behalf, and God is able to give us children. Even when it may feel impossible some days. So...I am working to consider it all pure Joy!

James 1:2-7

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do."

A Hopeful New Beginning

2011-03-02T10:51:00.002-06:00

Well, I haven't blogged in a LONG time.
Thanks to having the Flu :), I finally have sometime to write down my thoughts.
Dallas and I began infertility treatments last month. We have been trying to have children for over 5 years. After many doctor's appointments and too many needles, it was discovered that I have "unexplained irregular-cycles," PCOS and my body is winding down the reproductive process earlier than it should. I am 31 years old, so I am still fairly young. Thankful, everything is great with my husband. Because of all of this, I will need medical help to conceive any children. I think for a long time I was in denial of needing help. It makes you feel broken as a woman, or maybe not a complete woman, to know that you can't have children on your own. Now, I am certain that God can move beyond scientific research and statistics and give me a child. But, barring any miracles, I will need to get help from an infertility specialist. Last month I conquered my fear of needles and gave myself all but 2 of the 11 shots. I still can't look when they are drawing my blood, but I have been giving myself daily shots in the stomach. My husband thinks I am Super Woman. I am certain he is Super Man to be going through all of this with me.

It is quite a roller coaster ride. I don't know how people do this when they don't know Christ. I am such a weak person, if not for Christ in me, I would be unable to even wake up in the morning. A couple months before we began this process, I was seeing a Christian Counselor to help me deal with the grief I experience every month when I find out I am not pregnant. I teach elementary music in the public schools, and I was at a point where I didn't want to go back to school. Everyday I was spending time with kids that weren't mine and I was starting to resent that. I knew those weren't rational emotions, so I sought help for dealing with the grief. I am thankful I know other Christian women who are going through this process as well. My friend Renee has been faithful to blog about her infertility process. You can read about it here. She has been a great encouragement to me. I know some that have gone through the process and have been successful. Their children are so precious. This last month was hard when we found out I wasn't pregnant, but we are pressing on. I am trusting that God can and will use this for His glory. I hope I can be an encouragement to others that are going through long trials. I hope that I can give comfort to those who pray everyday for a child they don't even know, or may never know. I pray that I can trust that God's plan for my life is good...with or without children. I know I have grown more and more grateful for my husband. I am so thankful he is in my life and I hope I can be a comfort to him. He grieves for a child as well, the same as I do. Lastly, I hope that I can pray in Faith and Trust that God can give me a child. No matter the process, God gives life.

^{John 10:10}The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Picture Blog

2010-07-01T15:11:00.003-05:00

I just love this picture of my niece with her Daddy...my brother. I can't imagine the task of parenting. I know God will give me strength and wisdom to parent, but what an amazing task. I admire my sister-in-law as she cares for my niece (19 months) and nephew (4 months). She has such a joyful heart. I hope to only be a help to her and my brother as they work to raise their two kids. I am still praying that God will give me a child, but for now, I get to enjoy being an aunt. What a privileged!

The Summer of Travel

2010-06-24T14:20:00.005-05:00

This summer is becoming quite the traveling season for us. We recently visited Los Angeles on a business trip. While we were there, we had the wonderful opportunity to visit with friends, their children and eat some delicious LA food. We had lived in Los Angeles prior to moving to Maryland, so it was very much a trip down memory lane as well. I am so thankful that I am able to travel with Dallas during his business trips. I am glad that I understand his work and can even contribute to the business.

We will soon be traveling to see my cousin get married and then...HAWAII!!! As a surprise for my 31st birthday, Dallas booked us on a vacation to Hawaii. I can't wait to share that experience. This is strictly a vacation, so there shouldn't be anything to distract us from just enjoying time together. My favorite place to be is on a beach, with my best friend. I am bursting with excitement!

Dallas working and vacationing at the same time

Santa Monica Park by the Beach

Our old Apartment outside of Los Angeles

Mels Drive-In in Hollywood

New House

2010-06-24T13:35:00.005-05:00

I'm am significantly behind on my blogging...I think I am now an every five to six month blogger. Ha! In December Dallas and I moved into our first house! It was so very exciting. Since moving in, almost every week I am reminded how blessed we are to be in this house. There have been some "exciting" moments. Due to a builder error (from 2003) there was an issue with a pipe connected to the dishwasher and our floors flooded. After two months with no floor in the living room, we installed wood floors and did some updating to our dining room. We've been painting ceilings and walls and plan to tackle our bedroom and master bath soon. We are thinking of putting wood flooring in the master bedroom...or maybe just a new carpet. Till then, here are some pictures of our wonderful home. I'm so grateful and thankful to God everyday for this wonderful neighborhood and house! What a TREMENDOUS blessing.

Our New House

The Living Room "BEFORE"

The Living Room "AFTER"

The Dining Room "BEFORE"

The Dining Room "AFTER" (still need to add new blinds and a table, ha!)

New Year's Greetings

2010-01-01T23:24:00.006-06:00

Happy New Year!!
Welcome to the Year 2010. I'm not really one for making resolutions. I guess I realize how powerless I am to do things on my own. So, instead of resolutions, I will make a list of hopes for 2010. I know that my ultimate hope is in Christ, so my hopes are secondary to Christ and His glorious plan for my life. Recognizing all that, I will begin my 2010 list of hopes. (Seeing how little time I spent on this blog, I'm hoping 2010 is a better year for blogging.) Before I make my list, I wanted to mention that above is a picture of my husband and I. We celebrated the start of 2010 with my Brother and Sis-in-Law. It is really wonderful to be so close by now. We are able to spend time with our family and see my little niece grow up. In March, there will be a little nephew!

Now, for a list of 2010 hopes.

1. I am hoping for a child this year.
2. I am hoping to eat healthier and lose some weight.
3. I am hoping to be a better wife.
4. I am hoping for my family to be drawn closer to Christ.
5. I am hoping to do a good job teaching my Choral students. I would love for them to see Christ through my work ethic and joy in teaching them. (In my work Lord, be glorified.)
6. I am hoping to consistently spend time in the morning reading God's word.
7. I am hoping to make much of Christ in my life at home, work and with my family/church family.
8. I am hoping to form Christian relationships that allow for laughter, loving correction and family fellowship.
9. I am hoping for Dallas' business to be able to support our family financially. I also hope that Dallas and I find great joy in recognizing how Christ is providing for us through the business.
10. Finally, I am hoping that my constant battles with sin and contentment, make me much more aware of the great price Christ has paid for me. May I focus in on the debt paid at the Cross of Calvary for my sins and the finished work of my Salvation in the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Happy New Year to All!

Wow, a lot can happen in 5 months!

2009-11-23T11:30:00.002-06:00

Okay, here is a quick life update.
This should explain why I've been absent from my blog and extremely busy.

First, we have moved!!! (this was move number 10 in 8 years of marriage)
We left Washington DC/Maryland in August and moved to the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex. It was a bittersweet move for us. We left behind a great church, wonderful friends and Dallas quit his wonderful job at The Discovery Channel. While we left so many wonderful people, we now live really close to my family and close to Dallas' family too! We are actually living with my brother, Sister-in-law (with a little baby boy on the way), 1 year old niece, their dachshund and our dachshund! Thank goodness they have a large house, but boy there are a lot of us crammed in one house! We have been living with them while we searched for our own house.

So...the next big news...we are closing on our FIRST house! How amazing! What a blessing from God this house is! (Can you tell I'm excited?) It has been a really long process. We made offers on three other houses before we got our offer accepted on this house. What an UP and DOWN process home buying can be, but how cool to get to see all the houses! We will be closing on the house in early December and can then let our family have their house back.

How can we afford this house...well, I am working again! I am teaching middle school choir. I'm so grateful for this job and my principals are WONDERFUL, but it has been a really difficult transition from teaching homeschoolers at my church to teaching middle schoolers in the Public schools. I so badly want to share Christ with these children. What an awakening public school teaching has been. I haven't taught in public schools since 2004. It has been hard going from teaching elementary music to teaching middle school Choir. I'm also teaching between two schools that are 30 minutes apart, so I'm doing a lot of driving and working hard to keep track of what each school is doing. I knew this job would be hard when I took it, and every day I am forced to depend upon God for wisdom and strength. That has been a blessing! My biggest hope, aside from doing a good job teaching, is that somehow I can share Christ with my students. I'm blessed to be teaching in the "Bible-belt" but I am still not supposed to share my personal beliefs with these students. How sad that we can share so many worldly "beliefs" but can't share real TRUTH with these students who are so badly in need of TRUTH.

So...why am I teaching again? That is a wonderful reason! My paycheck is allowing Dallas to have his own business. He had been operating his Post Audio company, Defacto Sound, while also working full time for The Discovery Channel. Now, he has his own facility and is mixing the audio for a show on the Science Channel, "How It's Made." He is also mixing and sound designing for documentaries and video games. Our hope is that his business will be our sole income and that some day I can again stay home.

Lastly, every day we are praying and hoping for a child. We will begin fertility treatments again. I'm still researching treatment centers here in the DFW area. As the holidays approach, I tend to have a harder time. So many relatives, meaning so well, ask so many questions. I get an abundance of advice. I pray that I can be loving toward those who offer advice. I pray that my heart is guarded from anger and bitterness and instead I show grace and the love of Christ. I am so very aware of my sinfulness and hope to become more aware of the grace Christ has extended to me, in spite of my sin.

I hope to update this blog more often and definitely share pictures of the new house!

Happy Thanksgiving! We have so VERY much to be thankful for!

Daily Quiet Times-Feasting with the Lord

2009-06-21T23:09:00.003-05:00

There are many ways I have wrongly looked at my daily quiet times with the Lord. Sometimes I see them as a thing to do...part of my "good Christian check-list." Some days they are sadly neglected. Other times, if I have missed the "ideal time" to do them, I am consumed with guilt about missing it, yet feel like it is too late to pause and spend time in God's Word. Praise the Lord that not all my days are bad examples. There are some times I can go to God's word and not want to leave.
Those are joyous days!

Technology really can be a blessing, and on my iPhone, I have the Spurgeon's Daily. I have heard these writings of Spurgeon referred to more commonly as "Morning and Evening:Daily Readings." I wanted to share the reading from the evening of June 19th. I pray it draws you to spend time "feasting with the Lord." I pray it does for me as well.

You can read the Morning and Evening entries online here.

Evening, June 19

“My Beloved is mine, and I am His: He feedeth among the lilies. Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, turn, my Beloved, and be Thou like a roe or a young hart upon the mountains of Bether.”

Song of Solomon 2:16, 17

SURELY if there be a happy verse in the Bible, it is this—“My Beloved is mine, and I am His.” So peaceful, so full of assurance, so overrunning with happiness and contentment is it, that it might well have been written by the same hand which penned the twenty-third Psalm. The verse savors of Him who, an hour before He went to Gethsemane, said, “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.” “In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” Let us ring the silver bell again, for its notes are exquisitely sweet: “My Beloved is mine, and I am His: He feedeth among the lilies.” And yet there is a shadow. Though the prospect is exceeding fair and lovely,—earth cannot show its superior,—it is not entirely a sunlit landscape. There is a cloud in the sky which casts a shadow over the scene; though it does not dim it, for everything is clear, and stands out sharply and brightly—“My Beloved is mine, and I am His.” That is clear enough, yet it is not althgether sunlight. Listen: “Until the day break, and the shadows flee away.”

There is a word, too, about the “mountains of Bether,” or, “the mountains of division,” and to our love anything like division is bitterness. I see here a paschal lamb, but I see bitter herbs with it: I see the lily, but I perceive that it is still among the thorns. Beloved, this may be your present state of mind; you do not doubt your salvation; you know that He is yours, but you are not feasting with Him. You understand your vital interest in Him, so that you have no shadow of a doubt of your being His, and of His being yours; but still His left hand is not under your head, nor doth His right hand embrace you. A shade of sadness is cast over your heart, perhaps by affliction, certainly by the temporary absence of your Lord; so even while exclaiming, “I am His,” you are forced to take to your knees, and to pray, “Until the day break, and the shadows flee away, turn, my Beloved.”

“Where is He?” asks the soul. And the answer comes, “He feedeth among the lilies.” The worldling cares are not where Christ is, but that is the Christian’s one subject of thought. Jesus is gone among those snow-white lilies which bloom in the pastures of heaven, those golden lilies which are round the throne. Oh, when shall we be with Him, and partake of His glory? Our impatient spirit yearns for the hour when our marriage shall be consummated and our bliss complete. He is among His lilies here below, those virgin souls who, —

“Whithersoever the Lamb doth lead,

From His footsteps ne’er depart,

If we would find Christ, we must get into communion with His people; we must come to the ordinances with His saints. Though He does not feed on the lilies, He feeds among them, and there mayhap, we may meet with Him. Oh, for an evening glimpse of Him! Oh, to sup with him tonight! My Lord, by all Thy love to me, deign at this hour to visit me in Thy kindness, and to give me the dawn of heaven in my soul. How quickly can He come to me! No fee of roe are half so swift. In a moment He can cheer me with His delightful presence. Come, Lord Jesus, and abide with me forever.

“When wilt Thou come unto me, Lord?

Oh, come, my Lord most dear!

Come near, come nearer, nearer still;

I’m blest when Thou art near.”

Knock, Knock....anyone there?

2009-06-18T10:57:00.003-05:00

Apparently I have a blog, and it seems I've been on a blogging break? A lot of things are going on right now. I am still undergoing fertility treatments. We continue to pray that God will give us a child. I am in month four of treatments, which really isn't that long of a time. I've gone through a lot of ups and downs. Dallas has as well. Lately, I just been feeling so much peace about it all. I'm so thankful for that peace. I know that God has given it to me.

Right now I am in the DFW area visiting my family. I have had such a GREAT time playing with my 8 month old niece, Abigail. I am thankful that God has placed her in my life. I'm enjoying spending time with my Mom as well. She was recently diagnosed with Crohn's disease, and has been very sick for a long time. I pray that I am a blessing to her while I'm here.

Also, Dallas and I are contemplating some big life changes. I'll share more with you later. Speaking of readers, I wonder if my husband is the only one that reads this? Anyone still out there? :o) We aren't totally sure of the direction to head, but are confident that God will go with us the whole way. Like Hebrews 13:5b-6 says, " for he has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' So we can confidently say, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?" We've been reading a great book by Kevin DeYoung too. It was recommended to us by our worship leader's wife and our pastor, Josh Harris, wrote the forward.

Finally, I had the wonderful blessing to conduct a small children's choir on the latest Sovereign Grace Music CD. The choir sang on 6 of the songs, and another small choir, led by Vicki Cook, sang on the other 6 songs. My part was so very small, but my life has been blessed so very much by these songs. The new CD will be coming out soon. It is a Children's CD called "To Be Like Jesus." If you are looking for theologically rich Children's music that points children to the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I HIGHLY recommend this CD. All the songs are so very wonderful. You can listen to a sample of the songs here. Sovereign Grace Music puts out so many wonderful praise and worship CD's, so take time to browse their other CD's as well. I know they will bless your life and remind you of Biblical truths like they have done for me.

Thanks for reading and good to "see" you again! :o)

A Grand Legacy

2009-03-23T23:09:00.003-05:00

White as Snow

2009-03-03T00:31:00.006-06:00

I interrupt this inconsistent blogging for some pictures of snow!

There are those who work and those who play....I chose to play.

Above you see my fearless husband preparing to shovel the very long sidewalk. He chose to work.

Boy did I play in the snow!
(okay...I helped too, but there aren't pictures of that)

I think I was pretending to be Mary Tyler Moore here.

A God-glorifying Funeral

2009-02-23T20:55:00.005-06:00

Dallas and I went to my Uncle Jon McMahan's funeral. It is only through the grace of God that I am able to share that is was an amazing, God-glorifying funeral. That description does not seem to go with the event, but it was. Uncle Jon loved the Lord, his family and his job. He was a fire Chief and paramedic. He was National Paramedic of the year in 2001. According to the state paper, he wrote a grant that gave the city 2.3 million to form a Bomb squad. My Uncle started the first Bomb squad in the state and he excelled at maneuvering the remote-controlled robotic vehicle that would diffuse bombs. He trained many firefighters and had a huge effect on so many lives. I continued to hear that there will not be another like him from his co-workers and friends. He did all this and still had time to fix my car at the fire station when I was in college. I wish I could accurately describe to you how amazing it was to see around 500 people honor my uncle. While uncle Jon used the gifts God had given him to serve so many, I have confidence that God will use his untimely death too. He died of Gastric cancer at the very young age of 45. He and my Aunt Lana recently celebrated their 25th anniversary. They were high school sweethearts and God was truly glorified in their marriage. My uncle came to know the Lord, Jesus Christ, as his Savior when he was an adult. He continued to share with those that came to see him, that his cancer and eventual death, was God's will. He was confident in that, and while we all grieve the loss of someone so unbelievably special, we know that he is with his Savior. That is far better than this life, but so hard for those left behind.
The funeral was a fireman's funeral for sure. The fireman's honor guard was such a respectful display. The entire city fire department was at the funeral and many from outside of the city had traveled to show their respect and love for him. Those that spoke of Jon shared of his great humor...he was always telling funny stories. They spoke of his numerous accomplishments, and they spoke of his love for the Lord and his family. After the funeral, his casket was carried out by his 6 nephews and then lifted up onto a firetruck by the fire honor guard, all while a bagpipe played Amazing grace. We all got into our cars and joined the procession that I was told was around 3 miles long. The procession went around the portion of the city where his fire station was located and then to burial site. I saw so many people pulled over on the side of the ride, saluting or covering their heart with their hand as we drove by. The outpouring of respect and honor from so many in the city was powerful. At the burial ground, the firemen all stood at attention while the family came onto the green for the final goodbyes. They rang the fire bell 3,3,5 for my uncle. Then, broadcasting over a speaker, you heard the fire dispatch announce that Jon McMahan had answered his last call. I wish I had a recording of that. It was so amazing to hear. But the best thing I heard at both the funeral and the burial, was the Gospel of Jesus. As I looked around at the fireman and paramedics shedding tears, I realized that Jon's death allowed for so many to hear of Jesus Christ. I am thankful that my uncle loved and served so many in life, and I pray that his death may also serve God well. May many that heard the message of Jesus Christ be eternally transformed like my uncle was. May his death save more than his life did. May God continue to be glorified through the story of my Uncle Jon.

Please continue to pray for my Aunt Lana and cousins, Ashley and Adam. Their pain and loss is great, but our Lord is able to meet their needs. Please pray that the peace of Christ be with them daily.

Goodbye Uncster

2009-02-17T16:17:00.003-06:00

John 14:1-6 (English Standard Version)

¹ "Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. ²In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? ³And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. ⁴And you know the way to where I am going." ⁵ Thomas said to him, "Lord, we do not know where you are going. How can we know the way?" ⁶Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
---------------------
This morning at 8:30am my uncle Jon joined his Savior who had a place prepared for him. Because of Jesus sacrifice on the cross, my uncle is now in the Place God had prepared for him. He now rejoices at the feet of his great Physician. Only because of my faith am I able to rejoice at such a sad time as this. The flag is flying at half-staff at the fire stations. There are wreaths with flowers out in his honor. All night a fire honor guard stood outside his door. This was a special thing. They wanted him to know how loved and respected he was. They will continue to stand guard till the end. Please pray for my Aunt Lana and her children, Adam and Ashley. Dallas and I will soon travel to be with our family, so we also pray that we can be great servants of the Lord.
Thank you so very much for your prayers.

Prayers Needed

2009-02-15T05:54:00.005-06:00

My Uncle Jon rescues a puppy from a fire.

Isaiah 53: 5 " But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed."

My Uncle Jon has Cancer.
Cancer had been discovered and we thought it had been beaten. He had been cancer-free for around 7 years. He is very sick in the hospital and it is my understanding that he is very near death. I have cried, I can't sleep and I am in constant prayer for his healing. There are many times I am at peace, and many times I am very emotional.

Let me tell you about my uncle. He is a Christian. He is a husband to my mother's youngest sister, Lana. He is a father to my two cousins, Adam and Ashley. He is a Captain at the fire station and a Paramedic. Jon is unique in so many ways. He is so very funny. He loves to tell stories and has such a joyful spirit. He loves his job as fire Captain, and works as an EMT for fun. He saves lives...and it is his JOY to serve others in this way. I am amazed by that. I cringe at the sight of a needle, but Jon sees a car wreck and wants to go help. God made him unique in these and many other ways. Everybody in our family loves Jon. He has this outgoing personality that is contagious. You can't help but like him. It is so hard for me to think about such a strong, courageous and humble man, suffering from such a horrible disease.

Please join me in praying for my Uncle's healing. Please pray for his wife, Lana. They have such a strong and loving relationship, and she needs God's strength to get by each minute of the day. Please pray for his children. Adam is at Jon's side, caring for him. Adam dropped out of college to go home and care for his mother and father. Please pray for him to have the strength to care for his mother and sister. Please pray for dear Ashley. She is the "baby" of all the cousins. I can remember holding her when I young and she was such a small baby. She is in college now, and such a beautiful young woman. Please pray that she is comforted by the Lord. Jon is very aware of his condition and has expressed his confidence that God is in control. He is ready to meet his Lord, but how we desire to keep him here with us. Please pray for our whole family. He has had such an amazing impact on us all, and to loose him will be a deep loss for us all. Thank you so much for your prayers.

The "Uncster" (he likes to think he is the "cool" Uncle)

He was chosen as National Paramedic of the Year.

(Pictures were taken from different articles in the Log Cabin Democrat)

Designer Christmas Sweaters

2008-12-15T01:27:00.004-06:00

Dallas and I attended a Christmas party with our church Care Group. (Thank you Christine and Peter for hosting and taking these silly pictures!)
We were offered the opportunity to wear ugly Christmas sweaters, and so we did. These are matching sweaters we made. Go ahead, take some time to laugh at how silly we look. And, yes, we will be wearing these for years to come! We are thinking we might go into the business of tacky, ugly Christmas sweaters!

Christmas Concert

2008-12-10T18:54:00.007-06:00

I had the wonderful privilege of teaching the 2nd/3rd grade choir in our Music Academy at church. I have missed teaching so very much, and it was such a blessing when I was asked to teach. Having the opportunity to share Christ with these children, made my teaching experience so much more incredible. I was so thankful for how well the students did.

We had 7 rehearsals and this was the first time these children had sung in a choir. We had a few funny things happen. One little boy got sick (I think he accidentally gagged himself with his glasses), but was put back on stage to sing for the second song. That was great (he's a great singer), but unexpected. One little girl was trying to see what was going on when the little boy was put back on stage, and she fell down the stairs!
I LOVE teaching.
These kids are so great! The first song sung by the kids, is called Come Let Us Sing, and I wrote it (I really believe God gives songs) specifically for a Children's choir. It was such an honor to be given the opportunity to have the children sing it. The second song is called The Right Path, and was written by a sixth grader in our church! She wrote it for a song competition and it won. (Parents encourage your children to write songs!) It has such rich and wonderful lyrics! The kids LOVED singing it.
I hope you enjoy the little video.

HSG Test

2008-11-26T12:59:00.004-06:00

The initial test results are good.
I haven't heard officially from the doctor yet, but I think it is safe to assume things are great. The procedure was a lot more painful that I expected and there are some after effects that I will experience, but I am happy I had the test done. I believe that all these test results are the best-case scenarios. That is such a good thing! Praise the Lord! I look forward to hearing what the next step is. I have been so thankful for all the prayers and support I have received during this time. Thank you all so very much for your encouragement! I pray that I am able to report a pregnancy really soon!

Psalm 34:8

Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good!
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!

Annie Moses Band - When Daddy Says I'm Beautiful

2008-11-25T19:34:00.001-06:00

This is one of the songs they performed on the concert. I pray my children feel this way about their father, but most importantly I pray that they understand how much their Heavenly Father loves them. Enjoy the song!

One more Test

2008-11-25T19:09:00.002-06:00

The test results were great. All normal. That is great news! It is looking like it may just be irregular cycles that is making pregnancy so difficult, and that is wonderful news. Tomorrow I go in for the HSG test to see the fallopian tubes. I am seriously amazed with all these tests they can do, and I am so amazed with how cool God made us. The more we discover through science, the more we appreciate the workmanship of our Lord.

On Sunday I had the privilege of hearing Jerry Bridges preach at our church. Wow! That was so amazing. I am (too slowly) reading his book, "Respectable Sins: Confronting the Sins We Tolerate." We also got to hear the Annie Moses Band do a concert that night. They are a Christian family of string players. I highly recommend their Christmas CD. I bought it on Itunes and have been listening to it already. From Bridges, to Annie Moses, it was one amazing Sunday!

Tests! and more Tests!

2008-11-19T19:54:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow I go in for an Ultrasound and some more blood tests. I really wish I liked needles, because I am going to be seeing a lot of them. :o) After tomorrow's tests, I go in on the 26th (Wednesday) for an Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test. The really awesome thing is, each of these tests is one step closer to a pregnancy. It feels so weird to say that. It has seemed like pregnancy is the impossible dream, but thanks to modern medicine, I have a really good chance of getting pregnant. That is so exciting! I have really been struggling with this. I have not been faithful to go to the Lord for help. I have been so concerned with living through this struggle in a "Positive" way, that I have really been suppressing my emotions. It is okay to grieve over not being able to conceive yet, and I have been more concerned with having a positive attitude. Such a worldly view of this. I need not worry about a positive attitude, and need to be more focused on the Sovereignty of my Savior. I was really encouraged by my care group to "cast my cares upon the Lord," and to Trust that His plan for my life is good. It is okay to grieve, but not okay to wallow in that. I have also been holding back all of my feelings from Dallas because I don't want him to feel the pain that I have felt through this. I was also reminded that my husband is strong enough to handle hearing my emotions and that he is able to help lead me through this, because this struggle is his as well. I'm so thankful that the Lord has given me such a caring husband. I am so thankful for all of the care and love God has given to me through Dallas. I really see my sinfulness in all of this so clearly and pray for the Lord to help me fight against it. Lord please help me to trust in You, fight against sin and remember the Cross that has set me free!

Psalm 18
1I love you, O LORD, my strength. 2The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
3I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised,
and I am saved from my enemies.

Excellent Sermon

2008-11-07T22:34:00.001-06:00

Al Mohler published a blog that incorporated a sermon on "How Not to Raise a Pagan." I highly recommend listening or watching the sermon. It did take a bit of time to load, but it is worth your time. As we continue to prepare our hearts for the child that we pray God may have for us, we are thankful for sermons like this.

Abigail Joan is here!

2008-10-15T10:43:00.003-05:00

Abigail, Me (I dyed my hair...sorry mom!) and Jason

Abigail Joan was born on October 12th, at 6:51p.m.
Julie's water broke and she went to the doctor around 3p.m. on the 11th. Things progressed really slowly. I left Maryland on the morning of the 12th and drove to Nashville. I drove from Nashville to the Dallas/Fort Worth area the next day. (That was some LONG drive! I'm so thankful that Dallas will be riding back with me.) Sometime the morning of the 12th, the doctor came in and they discovered the water had not been completely broken. That was keeping Abigail's head from moving down. The doctor broke the water and things progressed a little quicker. At one point they thought they were going to need to do a C-section, but the labor began progressing quicker and Abigail finally joined this world! Shortly after she came, Julie hemorrhaged and the doctors quickly worked to stop her bleeding. She had not had any food since 2:30 the prior day, and she felt very sick after all the bleeding was stopped. She is also anemic right now. Jason had been very brave during all of this. He came out of the room after they had stopped the bleeding and went straight to my mother and began sobbing and shaking. He was so relieved that Julie was okay and that Abigail was doing great. Such an emotional time for him and Julie. God has been so good to them. I pray this is a reminder that life is such a precious gift from the Lord. Every breath is orchestrated by God, and how thankful I am for the opportunity to be here with Jason, Julie and my sweet niece Abigail!

I'm Almost an Aunt

2008-10-11T19:23:00.002-05:00

Jason took Julie to the hospital today around 4p.m. Central time. She was just given a shot to speed up the dilation and they are both eagerly awaiting the arrival of their little girl, Abigail Joan. I'm leaving tomorrow to drive to Texas and should arrive in Texas on Monday night. I just can't wait! Dallas will join me shortly afterward and we will get to hold our little niece for the first time. We are praying for God's continued protection over Julie and Abigail, and wisdom and strength for Jason as he supports his wife through this incredible adventure. May God comfort them and be glorified. The giver of eternal life is bringing forth new life. May Abigail one day know Jesus Christ as her Savior! Praise be to the Lord! He is so Good!

Our Company Featured at Radical Womanhood

2008-10-08T21:52:00.002-05:00

I love reading Carolyn McCulley's blog, Radical Womanhood. Her perspective on Biblical femininity has been so beneficial to me. Although my mother did not desire this, I grew up with a "semi-feminist" view of my role. For so much of our marriage, and even some now, I have had to fight off those feminist ideals that were a part of my upbringing. My parents were faithful to raise me in a Christian home with the Bible as their guide, but I have discovered that the feminist ideals still affected me. As a Christian, I was not immune to the feminist doctrine. So often I have to fight off the idea that I am not worth much as a woman, because I don't have a career or children, and I am a stay-at-home wife. When I share what my role is, no one is impressed. For the most part, people ask me if I'm bored or if I think I might get a job eventually. Some people think I am controlled and put down by my husband. How could I be happy if I consider myself to be under the authority of Christ, and under the leadership of my husband? Surely I am not a "real woman." Just a few wives have said that they wish they could be in my position, but that opinion is a rare one. So, how do we fight against these wrong ideas of feminism and understand a woman's biblical role? I am certain that Carolyn's new book will properly address those questions and many more. Titus 2, the book and the blog, are also helpful tools in understanding God's role for women.

Recently Dallas had the opportunity to work with Carolyn on two videos. The first video is a mission video about Germany for Sovereign Grace Ministries. Our church is a part of Sovereign Grace and it is so exciting to see how the Gospel is going forward in other countries. The second video was done to help promote Carolyn's new book for Moody Publishers.

The work the Lord has sent to our company has been such a blessing. We enjoy doing shows like "Food Detectives" on the Food Network, but our real joy comes when we get to work with people like Carolyn, Sovereign Grace Ministries, Roger Hooper and Vinegar Hill Picture Works. We are so humbled that Carolyn would mention our company in her last two posts. You can see the excellent videos that she produced here and here.

We have been amazed how God has used the abilities and talents that He gave to Dallas. Please make no mistake, everything we have including our company, abilities and even the work receive is all a gift from the Lord. We have accomplished nothing on our own and all Glory is owed to our God! As I reflect on the last year, I am so amazed how God has grown and blessed our business. It is so clear that all the work we have done this past year has been straight from the Lord. We decided one day that we wanted to start our own Post Audio business, and soon after the Lord provided the work. The work may go away tomorrow, but the Lord will, has and always will be faithful to provide for our needs. He already provided for our greatest need, Salvation through Christ Jesus, and we are certain beyond that all else is just blessing upon blessing.
Thank you Lord for how you have blessed us!

The Gift of Life

2008-10-03T11:07:00.004-05:00

Carolyn McCulley has an excellent post on the issue of Abortion at her blog Radical Womanhood. Through her blog, she shares the story of Gianna Jessen, a woman who survived a late term, saline abortion. Please take the time to read Carolyn's blog and watch the two videos in which Gianna shares her story. It was such a wonderful blessing to see how Gianna desires to use her life to make her Savior great!
I pray this post blesses you as it did me.
Praise be to God who grants life!

The Wonderful Sound of Children Singing

2008-09-29T18:32:00.004-05:00

Today I began teaching the 2nd/3rd grade Choir at my church. I cannot explain how much JOY I received from today. My choir has around 40-ish children and there may be more added next week. This first semester the children will be singing two songs. One of the songs I wrote and the other one was written by a young girl in the church. She submitted it for our Music Academy's songwriting competition and she was the winner in the Middle School division. You can listen to her song here. Hopefully I can post recordings of the Fall Concert. Having not taught school in about 4 years, I am so thankful that I was asked to teach these young singers. I have been missing teaching so very much! The chorus of the song Isn't He Good, written by Stephen Altrogge is playing over in my heart as I think of how kind God is to allow me the opportunity to teach again.

"Isn't He good, isn't He kind. Hasn't He blessed us time after time.
Isn't He good, all of our days.
With endless mercies and ceaseless grace.
Oh let us sing: He is good!"

The best part of it all, is that I will be teaching songs that can impact these children's lives and bring glory to God. Sharing the Gospel as I teach music is the most exciting way I could ever imagine teaching!
Thank you Lord for how Good you are to me!

Pass the Tissue please?

2008-09-16T21:37:00.003-05:00

Dallas loves that we experience many different seasons where we live. I would love it if it stayed one season all year-round. Don't care which season, just not the "season" I am going through right now. You know, the season of sneezing, sniffles, starting to get a sore throat...headache! Yup, it is allergy season!
Please pass the tissue, I'm off to sleep this stuff off!
:o)

Doctor's Appointment Today

2008-09-09T23:46:00.005-05:00

Before I share about our visit with the Doctor at the Fertility Clinic, I want to say thank you to those that have sent me emails or messages here on my blog. I have been so encouraged by your prayers and words of wisdom. I never thought that blogging could be such a wonderful experience, especially during the trials of life. God is so kind!

I grew up watching musicals, and sometimes I think there is a daily music track that goes along with my life. Praise and Worship music is pretty much the only music I listen to, and often song lyrics pop into my head. Today the song "Out of the Depths," by Bob Kauflin has been going through my head. I love Sovereign Grace Music, because the lyrics remind me of the Truth of the Gospel. The second verse of that song says:

The secret mysteries belong to You
We only know what You reveal
And all my questions that are unresolved
Don’t change the wisdom of Your will
In every trial and loss
My hope is in the cross
Where Your compassions never fail

The Chorus says:

So more than watchmen for the morning
I will wait for You, my God
When my fears come with no warning
In Your Word I’ll put my trust
When the harvest time is over and I still see no fruit
I will wait, I will wait for You

Today we were so blessed in our experience with the doctor and nurse at the clinic. I have such a peace about this whole process and I am thankful that there are many options, before In Vitro will be considered. We shared with our doctor that we believe life begins at conception, and that we would be against destroying a fertilized egg. I really don't believe we are going to have to get to that step. Today we both went and had our blood drawn. We are both wimps when it comes to needles. We are a sad pair. :o) Dallas had one vial of blood drawn. I expected the same would happen for me. Well, the needle went in my arm, I wasn't relaxing, so it hurt. The technician drew one vial and then said he was going to have to go to the other arm. He needed THREE more vials from me! So, two needles, four vials of blood and a sore arm later, I survived! I don't desire to be too graphic about this whole experience, so if you are going through this, or considering help from a fertility clinic and have questions, feel free to email me. I am happy to answer all questions. I can say that we will not be compromising any of our beliefs in order to go through this process. We know God is Sovereign in all of this, and we desire to glorify Him in this process. We are thankful that the clinic is very understanding of our Faith and has many ways of accommodating our beliefs. We are also thankful that our insurance will cover almost all of the expense. What a HUGE blessing.

I think the most exciting thing I learned today was what a miracle a pregnancy is. Our Doctor said that the chances for pregnancy each month, if everything is normal, is about 30%. We had quite the Biology lesson today and were so appreciative of how God has made us and how he creates life. Our hearts and minds are at ease and we are just praying that God prepares our hearts for a child. While it may seem like a huge request to ask God for a child, in light of our need for Salvation, it is such a small thing. I don't want to minimize the wonderful blessing of children, but nothing compares to the blessing of Salvation. I am so thankful to be reminded of that Truth today. I left today with so much joy in my heart, not because of what God could do, but because of what He HAS done! Now, with Faith, we will wait.

Fertility Clinic Funnies

2008-09-08T16:49:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow Dallas and I have our 1st appointment at the fertility clinic. Through all of this, I have had ups and downs, but now...humor! One of the forms we were asked to fill out is a Genetic Family History Questionnaire. We are declining any genetic testing, for a few reasons. First, we will not chose to terminate a pregnancy for any reason. Secondly, we don't want to be given genetic scenarios that may lead to any anxiousness over the child. Lastly, we will love our child, no matter the genetics. We desire to have a child and any responsibility that comes with that child.

Having said that, we did read through the form.
One of the questions it asked was "Are you or your partner related to each other - other than by marriage? (blood relatives)." This question was so funny to us, especially because we are from the Southern part of the USA where people often make jokes about you marrying your cousin and such. We had quite the chuckle when we saw that. Then yesterday, I shared that with a friend at church and she said, "Well, someone had to ask that!" We shared a laugh over that too. I praise the Lord for even silly moments like this. What a kind God to bring laughter into what could be a challenging journey. I pray that I am able to share so much of God's kindness, and so little of my lack of trust. May God be made MUCH during this process and may He receive Glory and Honor!

Study in the Book of Ephesians will take you Nine Months

2008-09-08T15:04:00.003-05:00

Nine months?
Yes, our church is doing an in-depth study on the Book of Ephesians. We started with an introduction to the book yesterday, and we will continue our study through Mid-May! We will pause in the month of December to take time to focus on the Birth of our Savior. I am so very excited about this study. We were challenged during this study to do the following:

1. Read the entirety of Ephesians in one sitting to understand Paul’s flow of thought.
2. Study this letter in your devotional times.
3. Visit our Church's blog to get the application questions and talk about them with friends or family.
4. Read The Message of Ephesians by John Stott.
5. Use the ESV Study Bible when it comes out.
6. Discuss what you are learning with others.
7. Look for sections of Ephesians to memorize.

I am really praying that I am able to memorize sections of Ephesians. I have all kinds of numbers, songs and useless information memorized, so memorization comes fairly easy to me. I pray that I will seriously invest time to memorize scripture. I am always blessed when my parents quote scripture to me whenever I come to them for help. I want to be able to do this for others. I am thankful that I already have a Study Bible, the Ryrie Study Bible, NIV. I have been blessed to own this Bible since 1994. It was the best present my parents ever gave me. We are hoping to purchase the ESV Study Bible for Dallas, and look forward to comparing the two.

Now here is the really cool part. If you have ever wanted to do a study on the book of Ephesians, thanks to modern technology, you can! Each sermon will be on my church's website, and there will be application questions posted the Monday after the sermon. In an effort to take full advantage of this study, I plan to blog on the sermons. I will still be sharing life stories, but I really want to challenge myself to use this blog to help me grow in the Word. God has given us many "technology tools," and we can use them in either wise or unwise manners. I pray I use this study in Ephesians as an opportunity to use my blog as a tool to help me. I hope you'll join me on my journey through Ephesians. May it be a study that richly blesses all of us!

Doctor's Appointment

2008-08-26T23:17:00.003-05:00

Well, I went to the Ob/gyn today and she referred me to a local fertility clinic. I had recommendations within my church to go this clinic, so I am confident this is where I should seek help. This will be our next step. My appointment is Tuesday, Sept. 9th.

I need to be honest and say that I have been feeling a bit down lately. This is sin in my life and I need help fighting it. I am trying to fight against some bitterness and praying to be thankful that fertility clinics are available. I am so blessed that there is possibly help for us. I am also praying that the Lord would create in me a heart that is thankful, no matter the future outcomes. And, I am a little more motivated to lose some weight. I asked if being overweight could effect me getting pregnant, but my doctor didn't feel that was the problem. She did suggest that losing weight could help me feel better, and prepare my body for an easier pregnancy and delivery. Finding out that I have gained 5 pounds in the past year, has really opened my eyes. I am praying for the strength and motivation to get up and get exercising! (I think I need to make fewer chocolate chip cookies!) :o)

During all of this, I am thankful first for my Savior who has met my greatest need already! I am also thankful for a husband who is so loving and caring to me. One who does not crumble or lose hope, when I occasionally cry on his shoulder. I am also so very thankful for my church. Dallas and I will be meeting with one of our Pastors, to seek out his counsel and help during this. We really pray that through this trial God can be glorified. I regret that lately my thoughts have been selfish and not of the Lord. I am so thankful that there is much Grace for me during this time!

Psalm 8

How Majestic Is Your Name

To the choirmaster: according to The Gittith. A Psalm of David.

1 O LORD, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!
You have set your glory above the heavens.
2 Out of the mouth of babies and infants,
you have established strength because of your foes,
to still the enemy and the avenger.

3 When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars, which you have set in place,
4 what is man that you are mindful of him,
and the son of man that you care for him?

5 Yet you have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honor.
6 You have given him dominion over the works of your hands;
you have put all things under his feet,
7 all sheep and oxen,
and also the beasts of the field,
8 the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the sea,
whatever passes along the paths of the seas.

9 O LORD, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!

Blogging from Texas

2008-08-21T14:48:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm here at my parents house and I am loving the time with my family, but I sure miss my husband! I can't wait to see him Saturday. I am so blessed to have such a hard-working, sacrificially-loving husband. He is just incredible. Since I have been here in Texas without him, I have really noticed how much "better" I am with him. I tend to watch what I say better and he really guides me as I interact with my family. It is sometimes easy for me to get frustrated with wrong behaviors I see, but my frustration is a wrong behavior. I think my husband is really great at encouraging me to speak less, and love/serve more. Being without his "local" leadership in my life, I am very mindful of the fact that I am under the wonderful authority of my Savior, and that I should be looking to Him for guidance in all situations. I am so grateful that the Lord gave me marriage and that through it, I can be reminded who to look to for guidance in my life. Thank you God for sending me the Holy Spirit to guide me in your Good ways! I think today has been a day of being so grateful for my husband, and I look forward to being at home with him soon. Thank you Lord for sending me a husband who looks to You for guidance on how to lead our family, and how to love me. We are quickly approaching year 7, and I am so excited! We are quite busy with work and such, and won't have time to go anywhere for our anniversary, but I am just thankful to be able to spend time with my husband at home. I really feel like each day together is such a gift, a fabulous anniversary.

Dallas, I love you so very much. Seeing you grow in the Lord, learn from His Word daily, and seeking to take care of our family blesses my life in tremendous ways. Thank you for all of your long, hard days of working so that we might have a home business and be debt free. I can't express how thankful I am for how you work and rarely complain. Seeing your work ethic inspires me to work unto the Lord at home, and not complain because dishes might be dirty or socks might be on the side of the bed! :o) Most importantly, I love how you love me! You show me Christ's love and I rejoice that although your love for me is incredible, my Savior's love for me is even more than that. What a blessing to experience earthly love, and what a reminder that my Savior's love for me is boundless. We serve such an amazing Savior, who withholds no good from us! I rejoice that our Salvation in Christ is our greatest need, already met, and that it is the cornerstone of our marriage.
Thank you Father for how good you are to us!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today I have had a song going through my head. Perhaps I am really needing to hear that song, so I thought I would share it. Sovereign Grace Music lyrics always point me toward my Savior. I hope they do the same for you!

Through the Precious Blood
By Mark Altrogge

As recorded on Come Weary Saints

Lyrics

You have ordained every breath we take
In pleasure or pain, there is no mistake
Gladness and grief, both are in Your hand
And sufferings brief carry out Your plan
And our fleeting sorrows
Will yield an endless prize
When some bright tomorrow
We’ll see You with our eyes, and

Chorus
Grace upon grace flows down, flows down
Grace upon grace flows down, flows down
Through the precious blood of Christ

Father of lights, Giver of all grace
Your mercies crown our lives all our days
River of Life, quench our thirsty souls
For no true delight does Your love withhold
And in every season (emphasis mine)
We are satisfied
For just one reason
Christ was crucified, and

Chorus

All good gifts, every good thing
Comes to us freely, so freely
All good gifts, every good thing
Comes to us freely, so freely
Through the precious blood
Through the precious blood

© 2008 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI)

Off to Texas

2008-08-09T00:25:00.002-05:00

I am so excited to be headed to Texas for a bit, to help my sister-in-law (Julie) get her house ready for their baby girl. Abigail Joan is expected to join us in October, but Julie's doctor recently told her that she is at risk for an early delivery. Julie has been trying to take it easy, so that Abigail will spend as long as possible in her mommy. Julie has about 10 weeks left in the pregnancy and we are just praying that God keep Abigail safe and healthy. I am so thankful that I have the time to go and help Julie around her house, and get to spend time with my family. I am really going to miss my wonderful husband, and will be so excited to get back home to him. I pray that I am a great help to Julie and Jason, and that God brings me back safely to my hubby.
I promise to post some pictures of my beautiful, pregnant sister-in-law. She is all belly and SO cute!

Baby Next Steps

2008-08-05T18:52:00.004-05:00

Dallas and I have been "trying" to have a baby for a little over a year now. In the past 4 years we have not done anything to prevent pregnancy, and so after this long time of desiring children, we have decided to take some "next steps." This has been a hard decision for me to make. My desire is to trust in the Lord's timing and I can sometimes be too quick to rush and make things be my timing. But, at this point, we both feel we should seek medical consultation. I am 29 years old, not too old to conceive, but older than I had "planned." We both desire to have 4 children and pray that this will be possible naturally, but will rejoice just to know what is going on. I will be meeting with my physician on the 25th of this month to talk about the next steps. I believe we will probably be checking (surgery) to see if I have endometriosis, and then see if I can receive permission to speak with the fertility clinic that has been recommended to us. I am really not sure what will happen next, so I think that is the hardest part. I will also be changing to an Ob/gyn closer to us during this time, so doctor's appointments will be plentiful! :o)

This has been a bit of an emotional struggle for me. I have cried, I haven't always been strong in the face of this trial. I do trust the Lord, but I must admit that my anxiousness has been an indication of how far I trust the Lord. I am daily convicted that I need to FULLY trust the Lord. His plans, all of them, are Good. If naturally born children are not in His plan for us, it is Good!

So here are my desires for the next steps.

1. I pray that I will daily seek the Lord through scripture reading, and that I will pray for help to trust in Him more fully.

2. I pray that God will allow us know the answer for why children have not come.

3. I pray that the answer might be one that has a simple solution. If not, I pray that I will be grateful that the Lord is with me through every step, no matter how difficult.

4. I pray for understanding within our extended family and also a spirit of trusting in the Lord. I pray that anxiousness will not be a part of our family's lives in this matter.

5. I pray for my dear husband, Dallas. I pray that he also will trust in the Lord and give praise daily to Him for the MANY blessings the Lord has bestowed upon us.

6. My ultimate prayer, is that Christ may be glorified through this experience and that somehow God may use this experience to help me share the Gospel with other women/men that see us during this trial. I think of dear Amy and Brandon, and how their lives gave God glory, as she struggled with cancer. God was So glorified in that, and I pray that God will be glorified in our pregnancy journey.

I am so grateful that I have a Savior who loves me and knows me. I could never endure this trial without Him. I praise you Lord for my Salvation. It is my only true need! While I may want and desire children naturally, I know that my real need has already been met in Christ Jesus. Keep me mindful of that truth. Allow me many opportunities to testify of your love and your saving grace.

Psalm 13

For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

Worship God 08 Days 3 & 4

2008-08-05T18:51:00.001-05:00

I intended to blog on the final two big sessions at the Worship God 08 conference, but I have something even better! A link to the the messages given! If you are looking for more entries on the conference, I found a blog that gave some great summaries of the conference.

To say it was a life changing conference sounds so minimal. God met me in such amazing ways. While on earth, I will never fully comprehend God's love for me, but I was so amazed at His outpouring of love through the people I met, songs I sang and words I read. I spent a lot of time with my friends at the Midland Sovereign Grace church...I felt very "Texan" during the conference.

Please take the time to listen to the messages and learn how we can better glorify God in our lives. I know the sermons will bless your life like they did mine. I also highly recommend the Psalms CD. Enjoy! :o)

Worship God 08 Day 2

2008-07-31T23:44:00.003-05:00

1 John 3

1See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. 2Beloved, we are God’s children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is. 3And everyone who thus hopes in him purifies himself as he is pure.

As I was beginning to write this blog entry, this verse came to me. I think it is fitting and humorous that this verse came to me in song, and in the King James Version (not the ESV above), but no matter the version, I am grateful for this verse. I think it shares some of the joy I am feeling while attending the Worship God 08 conference. I am rejoicing today in the truth that I am God's child! I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and has promised me a future with Him. Oh, happy day!

Today's conference has been just as wonderful as yesterday. Unfortunately, due to our weird sleep schedule, I did not make it to the 9a.m. meeting. I am so thankful that the sermon will be online for me to hear. I will make it to the 9a.m. meeting Friday and Saturday. I want to share with you just a small portion of what I learned from the main session tonight. Mark Dever, of Capitol Hill Baptist Church in Washington, D.C., spoke on "Glorifying Christ with the Psalmist." In this sermon, he shared with us some ways to find Christ in the Psalms. He said it is an error to believe that Jesus is not in the Psalms, and also an error to believe that contrarily he is in every part of the Psalms. When examining the Psalms, we need to know how to see Christ in them. He gave us three points to remember when examining the Psalms. I am going to summarize some of the points he made.

First, we need to remember that the whole Bible has one message, the Cross of Christ. The Old Testament is not void of the message of the Gospel. The Gospel is the essential message throughout all of scripture. Jesus taught that the Old Testament was about Him.(Luke 24:25-27) When reading through the Psalms, we must ask God to open our minds. We need God's grace and help to see Christ more clearly in the Psalms. He will reveal Himself to us, through His Holy Spirit.

When reading the Psalms or the Old Testament, ask ourselves what does the text reflect of God's nature and our human nature, that requires the ministry of Christ? For example, Psalm 78 talks about God punishing people for their sins, yet also shows us God's mercy. It is good to look at the Psalms and understand a Psalm as it was intended, and then see how it was fulfilled.

He encouraged us to look to the book of Acts. In looking at Acts we see in their evangelism, they looked to the Old Testament. The Gospel has been with us in both the Old and New Testaments and only the Gospel has the power to transform lives. We are unable to accomplish anything. The Gospel, the Cross, accomplishes what we cannot do for ourselves. Only Christ Jesus has the power to transform and save us from our sins. How thankful I am for the message tonight and for the transforming work of the Gospel in my own life.

I wish I were a better blogger, and that I could better share what I am learning. I hope that something in my blog might minister to you today. I pray that the lessons I am learning through this conference are only the beginning to the transformation that is going on in my heart. I have been convicted to spend more time in God's word. I have been encouraged by the songs we have sung and reminded that my sins, no matter how dark and ugly they are to me and the world, have been conquered by a Mighty, Merciful, Perfect Savior! I pray that God is making me a better wife, one that loves my husband more and serves him with a cheerful heart all of my days. I pray that God may be preparing me to be a mother, whether by natural birth or adoption. I pray that I am reminded in all of my days, God is GOOD to me. God is never NOT good to me. He is ALWAYS GOOD! May you all know the Goodness of Christ Jesus in your life today, and may you praise Him and sing to Him songs of thanksgiving for what He has done in your life.

Worship God 08

2008-07-31T00:34:00.003-05:00

God is so kind and good to me. I am overwhelmed today with gratefulness and thanksgiving for all He is doing and has done in my life. I deserve nothing, yet He chose to Save me and bless me beyond even that. He would be justified to punish me eternally for my sinfulness, yet He sent His son, Jesus Christ, and by grace, through faith, brought me into a saving knowledge of Christ Jesus. How awesome my God is!

We have been hosting one of our dearest friends, Eric and Emily, since Saturday. Eric and Emily have been faithful to hold Dallas and I accountable and to encourage us in so many ways. We praise the Lord for their friendship. Today they joined their church worship team at a hotel in the area. They are here to attend the Worship God 08 conference. Our church is hosting this event, and I am so thrilled that my husband encouraged me to attend it as well. After all that I experienced tonight, I cannot wait to go tomorrow...even though 9a.m. is so very early for us, since Dallas works such unusual hours.
I want to share a few thoughts from today.

If you are in the North Dallas area and are looking for a church that teaches sound doctrine, I encourage you to check out Grace Church in Frisco. Tonight's message was given by Craig Cabaniss, the Senior Pastor at Grace Church. The topic was "Knowing God with the Psalmist." The focus of Worship God 08 is "Rediscovering the Psalms," so we will be exploring various Psalms and the topics that accompany them. I can't begin to accurately share the message that Craig delivered, but I do want to share a little of what God was teaching me tonight. As we gathered we sang a new song on the "Psalms" CD by Sovereign Grace Music, called "The Lord Is." (I love this song!) Shortly after, we prayed, and during that time I prayed that God would reveal more about Himself to me. I prayed that I would more clearly understand the God who I clap for, sing and lift my hands to. I want to worship the Lord through music with a heart focused on why He is worthy. I want to sing to the Lord who is my Savior with a better "heart knowledge" of who He is and what He has done for me. Craig Cabaniss' message on Psalm 33 spoke directly to that desire to know my God better.

Verse three of "The Lord Is" spoke so clearly to me tonight. It says:

You gave Your own life for my ransom
So I could rejoice at Your side
You have shown Your faithfulness again and again
There's nothing good that You will not provide

The chorus then echoes Psalm 23, saying:

The Lord is
The Lord is my shepherd
The Lord is
The Lord is my shepherd
I shall not want

I shall not want!
I have received the greatest gift in Salvation from my Lord and Savior. I praise the Lord for putting the desire in me to know Him more. I praise the Lord for answering my prayer to help me know Him more so that I may worship Him from a heart that has been transformed by the Truths of the Bible. I pray that my life may continue to be transformed through this worship conference. I pray that sin in my life may be revealed, and I praise the Lord that in the revelation there is no condemnation, only help to fight sin! I praise you Lord, for you ARE worthy of all my praise!

Did I mention we have an 18 year old?

2008-07-18T13:13:00.002-05:00

Dallas and I have been hosting his 18 year old brother, Jeff, since the end of July. We decided to bring him out here for a visit and we just can't seem to get rid of him! :o) I'm just kidding!!

Actually, we invited him out to Intern for our company. He is interested in the same industry that Dallas works in, and because God has been so kind to grow and prosper our business, we have brought Jeff out to work for us this summer. Although we are thrilled to have him work with us, we are more excited that we have a chance to talk with him and hopefully mentor him before he heads off to College. Dallas is 10 years older than his brother, so he has not really had a lot of time with Jeff.
This truly is a blessing.

We have been so thankful that God has allowed us to have Biblical conversations on Manhood, Leadership and Relationships. We continue to pray that God will equip us with Scriptural advice and answers as we talk together on these topics. We pray that we will accurately model a Biblical marriage. We continue to emphasize the need to fight sin in our marriage and in our own lives. We have been thankful to the Lord that Jeff has responded in humility to our conversations. We are thankful for the Joy that having him here has brought to us. In a society where young men at this age are so often encouraged to live recklessly and sinfully, we pray that he seeks to be a Godly leader in all his relationships, and that he daily seeks to spend time with the Lord. Daily equipping is so important, and Dallas and I have seen this so clearly with Jeff here.

We look forward to this weekend, when we will be joined by Jeff's twin sister, Julie! Does anyone have an extra bedroom we can borrow? :o)
I know that Julie coming will be so exciting and wonderful. Please pray that Dallas and I will continue to speak to the "heart" of things and that we will give Scriptural answers and aid in the equipping. I praise the Lord for letting us be used in their lives and I pray that each day produces fruit.

I got an award and turned 29!

2008-07-18T00:03:00.003-05:00

Kate at Diary of Domestic Bliss gave me an award! I was so surprised and blessed. So, now I am following the rules and awarding others.

Here are the rules:

1. Please put the logo on your blog.
2. Add a link to the person who awarded you.
3. You must nominate 7 fellow bloggers for this award.
4. Add links to the recipients.
5. Leave a comment so the recipients know they have received an award.

So, I would like to award the following blogs
1. Spitzbergs
2. ShellBell
3. Light Came
4. A Walk in My Garden
5. Boasting in My Weakness
6. A Special Blend
7. Praise and Coffee

On Sunday I celebrated my 29th Birthday. The picture above is of me today with my dear friends Peter and Christine's baby. They took me out to dinner for my Birthday and as a bonus I got to love on their little girl!

Celebrating the last of the "twenties" with Dallas was great fun! He took me to the Hotel Palomar at Dupont Circle in Washington, DC. He also took me out to a wonderful Sushi restaurant across the street, and we had Gelato and pizza later that night. The next morning we got up and went to this little French Cafe and had crepes for breakfast. We had such a wonderful time together. Spending time with my husband is my favorite thing to do! He has been working so hard, and I just love that he took time to celebrate my Birthday and to make it so special.
Thinking about being 29 can sometimes be a challenge. Not that it is really that old, but so many people, including me, have expectations for their ages. By 29, I expected to have so many "things." A house, children and living close to my family are some of those things. But as I reflect on my 29 years, I am so grateful! I don't have any of those things, but I have received so much more than that. Almost two years ago my marriage was crumbling, my life was extremely sinful, and I felt quite hopeless. I am amazed what God has done in my life. I am amazed how He has changed my heart, and drawn me closer to Him. I am so thankful that he answers prayer.
I received a birthday card from my Pastor and he challenged me to reflect on the Blessing of one more year of life. I think Psalms 9:1-2 best reflect my feelings.

1 I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart;
I will tell of all your wonders.

2 I will be glad and rejoice in you;
I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.

I pray in the next year of life, Lord willing, that my expectations are not of "things," but of how I have grown in my walk with the Lord. May I pursue His heart above all things and may daily obedience be an outpouring of thanks and love for all that He has done for me.

Heart Check

2008-06-23T23:15:00.005-05:00

Our Worship leader's wife, Rachael, is pregnant and just cute as can be! She is due in July, so her little boy will be coming along soon. I spent a short time chatting with her Sunday. While we were visiting, she asked me how I was doing. I told her we are still trying to get pregnant and that we just look forward to one day having a child of our own. Then, she asked me how my heart was doing during all this. I was quick to say that I am doing great...I continue to trust in the Lord's timing and feel contentment in that.
But after getting home, and reflecting on my actions, I don't believe my complete trust is in the Lord.

We have been "trying" to get pregnant for about six months, and have been "sort-of trying" for over a year now. I have had some physical issues, like ovarian cysts and such, so I have always had a slight fear that pregnancy might not be possible for me. There are many signs of Endometriosis that I have, but I have not yet decided to have Laparoscopy surgery to see if it can be officially diagnosed and treated. While the surgery is an easy one, it is a big step for me, and I often worry if maybe I am just misunderstanding the symptoms. To not get into too much detail, there are a lot of other issues that seem to be making pregnancy a bit complicated, so we decided to start testing for ovulation with an electronic ovulation monitor. It's been two months since we began this testing, and it is quite revealing. I am beginning to understand my body a little better and hopefully this will help. If not, the next steps will be with doctors.

Through all of this, I keep saying that I trust in the Lord, but I really don't think I am. Worry is not a sign of trust. Every month I am anxiously searching the Internet for signs of early pregnancy. I have spent so much time "researching" this process, and while knowledge is great, I think by now I "know" all that I can. Because I am so quick to look for the computer to predict my pregnancy, this is also a sign of me not completely trusting in God's timing.

I have had a lot of people offer me advice, and it is so wonderful that so many people care for me in this way. But I have noticed I am not as thankful for the support and advice, and I almost want to stop telling people we are trying. In fact, sometimes my heart and mind can be filled with bitterness. Especially when I hear, "...just stop trying and it will happen." That completely perplexes me. My heart desires a child, how can I stop desiring a child and how can I stop "trying." Isn't that how babies are made???
These are further signs that my heart does not reflect the heart of one who trusts solely in the Lord over this. I need repentance in this area of my life.

Lord, please forgiving my distrusting, oftentimes bitter heart. Please help me to take every opportunity to thank people for caring and giving me advice, and please help me to only be anxious to daily seek your face. Your word says that I should trust in You with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. In all my ways I should acknowledge you and you will make straight my path. Lord, I want to trust you for this path of my life. Motherhood is completely in your hands, it always has been. Just because I understand the process, doesn't mean I have any control over it. I desire to please you in this area of my life and I desire to follow you even before a child comes into my life. Lord I repent of the fears I have over not being able to conceive and I place my trust in you for this. Let every area of my life be used to bring you glory.
Let Psalms 139:23-24 be my song.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts
See if there is any offensive way in me
and lead me in the way everlasting.

I desire to be led in the everlasting way. You have given me the greatest gift, the only gift, I could ever need or desire. Because of Christ Jesus crucified for my sins, I have no need of anything else. All my life is marked by blessing upon blessing. Evening in suffering, still only blessing remains. Thank you Lord for all of this. Remind me daily to trust in you.

O how sweet to trust in Jesus,
just to trust his cleansing blood;
and in simple faith to plunge me
'neath the healing, cleansing flood!

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust him!
How I've proved him o'er and o'er!
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust him more!

I'm Back!

2008-06-19T21:38:00.003-05:00

To say life has been very busy lately, would be completely accurate! We traveled to Texas to see family at the end of May, first of June. While there, I found out that my brother and sister-in-law will be having a Girl! I'm so excited!! They will name her Abigail Joan. (Joan is my grandmother's name, my mother's mother.) We spent most of our time in my parent's pool and just trying to relax.

Dallas has been working his full-time job at Discovery Channel, as well as building our own business, Defacto Sound. Recently, we finished a new series, 9 Episodes, of a show for The History Channel. The show is called "Surviving History," and we both worked on it. I did the Dialog editing for most of the episodes and Dallas did all the Sound Design and Sound Mixing. It is about the history of medieval torture devices, so it is not appropriate for children or even really teens to watch, because of the gruesomeness of the topic. I even had to turn my head during some of the experiments. However, I think it clearly shows our awful, sinful nature. That humans can come up with such awful devices of torture, reinforces our depravity and deep need for a Savior. I'm really excited that our next project is a new Food Network show. I love that Network!

By God's kindness and grace, our business is growing and allowing for us to make some purchases. Recently we purchased a second car. We sold a car when we moved to the DC area, and have been living with one paid off car for almost two years. We have been researching smaller SUV's and cars with some space, in anticipation of children and weekend road-trips. Dallas and I love taking time together driving to different places, and we really love antique shopping, so we thought a small SUV would allow us to travel and get some bargain antiques every now and then. I praise the Lord for our new car. We purchase a 2008 Rav4, and will be able to pay it completely off in the next couple of months. It is so nice to have two cars and we have already taken a trip together in it. We love driving and spending time together on the road.
Some people think we are strange in that way! :0)

In the midst of the work and busyness of life, I have been reading Bob Kauflin's book, Worship Matters. I am not a worship leader, nor do I feel called to lead worship, but I do desire to lead a life or worship. I'm reading the book from a musician/fellow Christ worshiper prospective. It has been an incredible read so far. I want to leave you with one great quote from the book, that has challenged me this week. In chapter two, "My Heart: What Do I Love?," he is speaking to worship leaders about their hearts. He says:

"In my pride I had lost sight of what really matters. I had overlooked what couldn't be clearer in Scripture. Jesus said the greatest commandment is this: 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind' (Matthew 22:37, emphasis added). While it's simplistic to say that worship is love, it's a fact that what we love most will determine what we genuinely worship.
God wants us to love him more than our instruments and music. More than our possessions, food, and ministry. More than our wife and children.
More than our own lives.
That doesn't mean that we can't love anything else. Or that we shouldn't love anything else. But we can't love anything in the right way unless we love God more. Our desires will be out of whack. We'll look to temporary pleasures like concerts, video games, and sports to fulfill eternal desires. We'll love things that aren't as worthy as God to be loved.
How do I know what I love the most? By looking at my life outside of Sunday morning. What do I enjoy the most? What do I spend the most time doing? What does my mind drift to when I don't have anything to do? What am I passionate about? What do I spend my money on? What makes me angry when I don't get it? What do I feel depressed without? What do I fear losing the most?" (pages25-26, Worship Matters)

I think these are very good questions that I should be asking myself daily. My desire is to love Christ and treasure Him over all things and all people. That I even desire that is evidence of God's grace and work in my life. I pray that no matter how busy we get or if we are successes or failures in business, that the Lord daily reminds me to live a life where He is treasured and loved above all things.

We got to hang out with a Baby!

2008-05-18T00:15:00.004-05:00

We had dinner today with a precious couple in our care group and their fabulous little girl. I just had to share some pictures. Enjoy!

Dallas was wrapped around her finger!

She loved playing with the pictures on my iPhone!

Dallas very much enjoyed her company!

GIVEAWAY WINNERS!!!

2008-05-15T23:16:00.002-05:00

Thank you to everyone who entered my Giveaway and those who linked to my blog. I look forward to reading all your blogs. And now...

For the contest I got out my prettiest hat....

Put all the names in the hat and the four winners are....

Wendy at Showered with Grace

Jenna

Amanda Jo at A Special Blend

and Leslie at Abiding.

Congratulations to all the winners. Please email me your address along with your choice of 1 book or 1 CD from the listed prizes on the previous post. I will happily get those prizes to you right away. This was much fun, and I hope to do another giveaway sometime in the future!

Most importantly, this giveaway reminded me of the precious gift of Salvation that God has given me because of Christ Jesus. So undeserved and never possible to earn. I praise you Lord for daily reminding me of the Cross and my Savior!

God Bless you all!